There's a part of me that wants, fiercely, to be better. It does what it has to. It asks, searches, and learns.

And there's another part of me that wants to be in a room by the sea, where I can hear the rhythmic waves. Doing whatever I want. Reading books I love and making mediocre art. Letting time pass me by. 

Right now I'm constrained by my circumstances, but I won't be forever. I can't use this excuse for much longer, if I can continue to do so at all. I know each has its greatness and sacrifices. I don't think I will be able to find a balance. I have always been all in, or nothing.