Wednesday, October 10, 2018

When you realise you shouldn't have asked. You really shouldn't have asked. You really...

Monday, October 8, 2018

Do the right thing. It's what people I really admire believe in, and it's one of the hardest things to do.

Work starts at 4.30 and ends at 9 on a good day. Today was the first time in a week we got to eat lunch. We don't get breathing space in between. And the things we have to deal with aren't easy. One of my patients crashed today.

So when you're tired, it's 6PM and you started work yesterday 4.30,you spent the night accumulating psychological scars, and now you're trying to do something but trouble happens and your voice starts to rise together with hysteria.

And you have to keep it together. You have to do not just your job, which is the bare minimum, but the right thing, which is to care, to have empathy, to understand that people who are sick are also scared  anxious, and at what feels like one of the lowest points in their lives.

You have to be patient when you're so tired you start to fall asleep when you stop moving for more than 3 minutes. You have to be gentle when you're so sore you get up from a chair in stages. You have to give a shit when you've already had to sacrifice things that matter to you. You know this isn't worth it. Nothing could be worth this.

The only thing that keeps us going is probably the people around us. People who are just as tired, hanging back till 9 to help you out. People who give you random hugs. People who look you in the eye and ask you if you're alright. People who are there for you.

Above all people who do the right thing, and show us that... It's not our patient's fault that we're going through this. And our duty is above all to them. I guess.

Friday, October 5, 2018

Moon (I kid you not, that's his name) stayed till 10pm and he's post call. People were asking him if he's on call but he's post call.

And I hate to admit it but without him we'd be struggling. I want to be better. I know I can't do everything alone. But... I want to be better.

And yet it's taking so much for me to just keep swimming.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

Occasionally I've met people who are so well-balanced, kind, thoughtful, empathetic that I really believe I'm blessed to have been able to know them.

They have, without any self-consciousness, what I would really like to learn or develop - the ability to do the right thing, or the best thing, in vastly different situations. It's like they have both a strong moral compass and a good deal of courage, pointing them in the right way and steering them forward.

I know they're not perfect, but that doesn't stop them from being just frickin' awesome.

James TW - when you love someone

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

"Open your mouth. There. Do you taste it?"

I feel something wet and cool on my tongue, just a few drops. I let it run to the back of my throat and swallow.

"No." I open my eyes to see her looking at me with a mixture of pity and disappointment. She's holding a small bottle of something golden and thick. I see NEY from under her fingers, and it's a good bet that's honey.

"I don't taste anything," I mutter, leaning forward to grab a glass of water. Or at least I think it's water - the cups and containers are carefully labeled in this house - but I don't bother to check, and down it anyway. Who cares what it is.

I get to my feet and grab my bag.

"Wait!" I'm halfway across the room before she stands up, as it finally registers in her mind that I have the temerity to leave. Without permission - just leave, like that.

I move faster, hear her rustle of her slippers on the carpet. What is she trying to do? Is she mad?

"Wait - Nat!"

Don't turn around. My feet are moving so fast I'm almost running. Reach out and I wrench the door open, nearly dash outside, and slam it behind me. My fingers fumble on the lock before I twist it close.

Bang bang bang. 

"Nat!" The doorknob shakes vigorously. "Nat!"


Things that make me happy

Just off the top of my head, these days I really appreciate...

1. Soft fluffy towels that smell like sunshine

2. DOGS. As usual. But not seeing them so much, sigh...

3. Quora. It's a pretty healthy and inspiring space. Kind of like a best friend who's a therapist not giving you therapy...if that makes sense.

4. Brunch!! With friends!! And no alcohol involved.

5. Music.

6. Ice milo after a call. Seriously. All my cells realize they're alive again.

7. Having a sense of humour. People with a sense of humour.

I could go into the sleep, good food, sleep and sleep part but... nevermind. One day someone explain to me why we have 44 hour calls again ok? (Turns out the truth is worse than I imagined.)

On the bright side, :)

Monday, October 1, 2018

I want to be a better person.

That's all, really.

But it is so hard, sometimes, to rise above.

Do you ever wonder if it's worth it?

[ cue hours of meaningless conversation ]

Because here's the thing. There will always be value in trying to improve ourselves. But people's priorities differ drastically. All I can speak for is myself, and I guess, yes, it is worth it. I hope I'll still feel the same way a long time from now.

Or even just tomorrow, you know.