Tuesday, September 11, 2018

To be honest when you tell me that 'things will get better', I'm not crying because I don't believe you. I don't know if you know it but with that tone of voice and the way you said it, I just cried.

Maybe it's because it's the first time in my life someone has told me that.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Don't take out
your frustration at your own inadequacies

on me! 

you loser!

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

But then again, not being who we used to be is a source of anxiety, isn't it? I have changed, you have changed, and it's like we have to get to know each other again and again...it's tiring. Having old friends can be painful and tiring. But it's also one of the most fun things in the world. Because we've got old ground covered. And it's new ground all the time.

I guess I'm musing while drunk on tea. Ah tea.

Day off tomorrow. Yay. No weekends, but I get Hari Raya off. Yay.

The concept of 'suffering'; when you speak about it so straightforwardly and baldly, I feel like I have found a kin in this world. It's there, but it doesn't have to win. We're both still here.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Seventh month. Hungry ghost festival.

Our wards are suddenly emptying.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

How do you describe this feeling?

Yes, how do you describe this feeling in the interim before my team returns and I can stop guarding our Starbucks and we can start seeing our patients (don't ask).

Is it 'I don't want to be left behind'

Is it 'I'm afraid we are no longer who and what we used to be, but isn't that a good thing? We've grown.'

Is it 'We should be content in ourselves, not look to others to fill that discontent'

Is it 'I want to be a better person'

Is it

Oops they're back

Sunday, August 5, 2018

If the worst comes to the worst, at least it will be a final rest. 

.

I am afraid that I am becoming someone I don't like. And I guess the cure for that is awareness. 

.

You kept asking us to be better. To be perfect. We grew up with these expectations, unreasonable as they were, and what kind of humans do you think that made us? When we turn around and expect the same of you, why are you so surprised? When you look at what you've created, why are you so surprised? 

.

Whenever I get really scared, I just have to remind myself that if the worst came to the worst, at the very least there is peace beyond. 

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

And I really think you shouldn't say something like that.

What do you mean, we can feel the presence of the deceased around us? That as long as we remember them they are still around?

Because I can't feel him. I can't feel him at all, ok? And even if I 'let go of my anxiety' and become cool as a chillin' cucumber, if I still can't 'sense his presence', are you going to take responsibility for my heart, crushed again? Are you? Are you? And how can you? That's right. You can't. You fucking can't. So don't say things like that goddamn it.