Friday, November 30, 2018

'I can't do this anymore' - is what I've been thinking every morning at 4 when I wake up. At around 12-3 when inevitably some emergency happens. At 3 during exits. At 8pm when we still have work to do. At 11 when I look at my socks and wonder if it's worth it to bathe.

What could possibly justify...?

I'm so tired. I might not be safe any more. I'm scared I'll make an irretrievable mistake.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Kick off my socks. Start some music. Read some manga.

These are the balms to cover up the cracks from the day.

Because, some things are so gross they make my fingers curl

Some things, so sad I have to look away.

Some things so scary, now I know my voice can tremble like a leaf in the wind. Watching blood pressure drop from 80 to unrecordable in five minutes.

Some things make me so angry, I want to hurt something. Hurt someone. This always ends up making me feel dirty.


Is there anything good about this? Anything?

Maybe seeing people not panic in the face of death - literally - and learning from that?

Maybe becoming someone who can be of use in certain types of emergencies?

Maybe learning about the various aspects of life in this weird, protected bubble.

Maybe just, I don't know. Maybe there's no real need to force a positive out at the moment.

Maybe I just need to go to sleep, wake up tomorrow, and try to survive


Wednesday, October 31, 2018

It suddenly occurred to me,

is this also a part of my job?

Sunday, October 28, 2018

If there's types of love, then there should be types of happiness.

There's a kind of happiness that is sharp and - for lack of a better word now - a little...mean? It's the happiness when I find a lipstick that I've been keeping an eye out for months. The kind of happiness when you say something and people laugh, and you don't know why. The kind of happiness when I get praised for something. Maybe, a slightly anxious happiness.

Then there's the happiness when you walk out and experience sunshine, or some kind of natural weather, for the first time in weeks. It's a little past mid-afternoon, a short while to dusk. It's a very gentle blue sky that isn't night, isn't twilight, but close. The clouds are fat, the air damp, and the sun gives a watery glow. Sounds terrible, but the sunshine is so gentle and the leaves so green and the air nice and cool; it's a very contented happiness. Like how I imagine cats feel when they curl up in a ball somewhere warm and soft. This is the happiness when a good song plays in the background and my veins seem to run something other than blood. The kind of happiness when I've been cold for hours and I have a long hot shower.

Maybe it's a little sad that I'm this happy over getting a day off. But boy am I happy.
I forgot to say,

For tolerating my quirks and deficiencies
For the helpless laughter
For the silent moments where we just type, and enjoy each other's company
I have great people in my team.

For the times when my heart feels like a whipped puppy
For the sinking feeling
It's ok.

What am I doing here?

For whom and for what does this exist?

I feel like we should just put it out there. We can't hold back the ravages of time. We can, sometimes, hold a person back from the gates of heaven. But those last months can be very painful, very lonely, very sad.

When it's my time, let it be quick, let it be painless. Please.


John Mayer - love on the weekend

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Ok. Alright.

It was a bad day.

Tomorrow will be better. Or not. But I have a home, family, and bed to go back to.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

When you realise you shouldn't have asked. You really shouldn't have asked. You really...