Saturday, September 16, 2017

"You must go further than I did," Nedra said. "You know that."  
"With your life. You must become free."  
She did not explain it; she could not. It was not a matter of living alone, though in her own case this had been necessary. The freedom she meant was self-conquest. It was not a natural state. It was meant only for those who would risk everything for it, who were aware that without it life is only appetites until the teeth are gone.
Light Years 

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

I still don't know if she's being sarcastic when she tells me to 'go home early!' at 6pm.


She had seen his torn sketchbooks on the floor with footprints across their pages, she had found him sprawled drunk in her room, his face on the thick spruce boards. She could never betray him; it was unthinkable. He asked nothing of her. All these years he had been beaten, as if in a street fight, before her eyes. 
Light Years, by James Salter 

Children are our crop, our fields, our earth. They are birds let loose into darkness. They are errors renewed. Still, they are the only source from which may be drawn a life more successful, more knowing than our own. Somehow they will do one thing, take one step further, they will see the summit. We believe in it, the radiance that streams from the future, from days we will not see. Children must live, must triumph. Children must die; that is an idea we cannot accept.
Light Years 

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Haven't made a post like this in a while

1. Because hair grows back. (Usually).

2. If you heard the number of times people call my name in the wards, you'd think I'm popular (or even useful). Fact is, when I concentrate I sink into a thought bubble. Like a tiny chamber that encompasses me and 50cm around. In other words, people have to call (loudly) to get my attention, and luckily no one in the team is comfortable with barking, 'hey! student!!'. So they learn my name.

3. Yeah I know, if I think that having to say 'You have cancer' sucks, imagine what it feels like to hear it.

But it really sucks.

4. I realise I shouldn't talk nonsense so much anymore. Yup it took me so long to figure out that I'm not endlessly awesome and superbly funny. Just a little awesome and occasionally funny. But I kind of need to talk nonsense and get it all out of the way before my brain can start on the serious stuff :(

Really though, why should anyone care? My mom gave birth to me so maybe she feels responsible, and listens to me blabber.

But yy. Why should anyone care? That isn't as terrible as it sounds because really, do you care about much other than yourself?

OK just a little.

5. It took me 23 years to learn something that probably wouldn't take a stranger a few minutes to figure out, but uh I figure that I really don't like being told what to do.

In the sense that if something is given to me with specific instructions I kind of go, heck it! I'll do it my way!!!! (Based on several templates anyway. I create my work of art hohoho).

And if I can't do it my way I go, heck it! Who's gonna do this crap?

In other words, what a disaster.

Roy Kim - love love love

Monday, September 11, 2017

Things that doctors hate

I'm sorry let me just-

I think we really hate it when we're listening to heart sounds or breath sounds - stethoscope pressed against skin - and the person decides it's a good time to shout or say something really loudly.

The damn tube transmits sound. Not just heart thumps or breath wheezes but ALL SOUND. And if it lets me hear an end-inspiratory crackle, or a tiny little whirring murmur, can you just imagine what a full on roar-.

Enough of this and I will really turn deaf.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

I hope I'll never stop asking. 

I hope one day I'll be able to tell the tale. 

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

The Flip Side

The first thing medicine teaches you is that we ought to take care of ourselves. Avoid smoking, drinking too much, sleeping too little, too much stress, and overeating. Do all of the above and you tend to have better chances of not entering the hospital.

But it doesn't mean you have no chance. In fact every type of person comes in, including the health nuts. Sometimes we see people who live exemplary lives, who are well-informed about healthy habits and put in a lot of effort to take care of themselves. They get sick, too.

And, like,

I guess the second thing medicine teaches is that illnesses don't discriminate. They don't prey on the evil—they hit anyone and everyone. When you see someone a lot like you in the wards, it really hits close to home. She didn't think that she'd be warded for a rare disease. Just like I don't.

We think we're in control of a lot of things in life. If you take care of yourself, you won't get sick. If you were a good parent, your children won't abandon you. If you don't smoke, you don't get lung cancer.

The truth is that these are just illusions. Anyone can get anything. And I'm not saying this to cause fear or anxiety. Sometimes doing the best we can is all we can do; the rest is out of our control.

To people like me that does kind of make me anxious. It means that at some time in the future, terrible things that I didn't anticipate, didn't even imagine, might happen to me.

But the flip side is, I see the world a little differently. It means that people aren't always to blame for what happens to them. The basis of a meritocracy is: put in the effort, and you get the results. The other side of the coin is: if you're deep in muck, you deserved it. You didn't work hard, you bum.

But not always. Homeless people, abandoned parents—dear god, not always. It's not always their fault, you see. I understand that much, and I wish I could tell them. I wish I could tell her. It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself.

This is perhaps the third thing that medicine teaches. Bad stuff doesn't always hit those who deserve it, and neither do good things only happen to the wise and kind. It's an uncomfortable truth.

I guess what I really want to ask the doctors I respect is, how are you still able to smile?

Roy Kim - love love love

Monday, September 4, 2017

Yesterday my mom asked me, "Do your friends know you're weird?" after I showed her my 'time to eat!' aegyo.

Well, yes. I mean, my non-friends probably think I'm a retard, but I guess my friends have seen some of my spaz moments.

On a side note, I guess coffee alone doesn't cure migraines. Coffee and aspirin does though! (research proven)