Wednesday, October 31, 2018

It suddenly occurred to me,

is this also a part of my job?

Sunday, October 28, 2018

If there's types of love, then there should be types of happiness.

There's a kind of happiness that is sharp and - for lack of a better word now - a little...mean? It's the happiness when I find a lipstick that I've been keeping an eye out for months. The kind of happiness when you say something and people laugh, and you don't know why. The kind of happiness when I get praised for something. Maybe, a slightly anxious happiness.

Then there's the happiness when you walk out and experience sunshine, or some kind of natural weather, for the first time in weeks. It's a little past mid-afternoon, a short while to dusk. It's a very gentle blue sky that isn't night, isn't twilight, but close. The clouds are fat, the air damp, and the sun gives a watery glow. Sounds terrible, but the sunshine is so gentle and the leaves so green and the air nice and cool; it's a very contented happiness. Like how I imagine cats feel when they curl up in a ball somewhere warm and soft. This is the happiness when a good song plays in the background and my veins seem to run something other than blood. The kind of happiness when I've been cold for hours and I have a long hot shower.

Maybe it's a little sad that I'm this happy over getting a day off. But boy am I happy.
I forgot to say,

For tolerating my quirks and deficiencies
For the helpless laughter
For the silent moments where we just type, and enjoy each other's company
I have great people in my team.

For the times when my heart feels like a whipped puppy
For the sinking feeling
It's ok.

What am I doing here?

For whom and for what does this exist?

I feel like we should just put it out there. We can't hold back the ravages of time. We can, sometimes, hold a person back from the gates of heaven. But those last months can be very painful, very lonely, very sad.

When it's my time, let it be quick, let it be painless. Please.

John Mayer - love on the weekend

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Ok. Alright.

It was a bad day.

Tomorrow will be better. Or not. But I have a home, family, and bed to go back to.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

When you realise you shouldn't have asked. You really shouldn't have asked. You really...

Monday, October 8, 2018

Do the right thing. It's what people I really admire believe in, and it's one of the hardest things to do.

Work starts at 4.30 and ends at 9 on a good day. Today was the first time in a week we got to eat lunch. We don't get breathing space in between. And the things we have to deal with aren't easy. One of my patients crashed today.

So when you're tired, it's 6PM and you started work yesterday 4.30,you spent the night accumulating psychological scars, and now you're trying to do something but trouble happens and your voice starts to rise together with hysteria.

And you have to keep it together. You have to do not just your job, which is the bare minimum, but the right thing, which is to care, to have empathy, to understand that people who are sick are also scared  anxious, and at what feels like one of the lowest points in their lives.

You have to be patient when you're so tired you start to fall asleep when you stop moving for more than 3 minutes. You have to be gentle when you're so sore you get up from a chair in stages. You have to give a shit when you've already had to sacrifice things that matter to you. You know this isn't worth it. Nothing could be worth this.

The only thing that keeps us going is probably the people around us. People who are just as tired, hanging back till 9 to help you out. People who give you random hugs. People who look you in the eye and ask you if you're alright. People who are there for you.

Above all people who do the right thing, and show us that... It's not our patient's fault that we're going through this. And our duty is above all to them. I guess.

Friday, October 5, 2018

Moon (I kid you not, that's his name) stayed till 10pm and he's post call. People were asking him if he's on call but he's post call.

And I hate to admit it but without him we'd be struggling. I want to be better. I know I can't do everything alone. But... I want to be better.

And yet it's taking so much for me to just keep swimming.