Tuesday, July 17, 2018

I realized all my 'why's were addressed to someone, or something, or some huge celestial listening ear encompassing the universe... Something like that. I wanted an answer from this being.

Even if it was 'just because I felt like it' - even if it was something stupid like that, or something malicious - 'because I enjoyed the thought of it' - I wanted an answer, a reason, an explanation to the horror and apparent meaninglessness of death, and thereby, of life. I wanted to know why a conclusion could be so illogical, a last paragraph so inconclusive, extinguishing my last faint hope that there is a meaning to all of this and a reason for everything, even suffering, and perhaps beauty in this suffering.

But there was no reply. Of course there was no reply.

More than when I was in that flipping car, more than when I stood before a bone white urn, I felt like I was staring into a completely empty abyss from which there would never be, and could never be anything approaching an answer. And staring into that while I ask 'why' and being answered with resounding, echoing, empty silence, is one of the most painful things in my life.


So where are you? Silence. What happens next? Silence. Do ghosts exist? Do souls?


Monday, July 16, 2018

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

The people who call me 'docile' just haven't seen me angry yet.

The people who think I'll stay quiet just because they're loud (and admittedly, scary to me) are also mistaken. I can put up with a lot, until. You can't go around endangering people's lives. We're supposed to save them, dipshit.

If I'm upset and angry enough (and have lost all consideration for your feelings), I can listen and extract the one fact hiding amongst your bullshit. And if that fact doesn't make sense, I will hone in and clamp down no matter how you try to sidestep. This means that I will lay out your bullshit clearly. It also means if you're wayyy too smart for me I will frustrate you to no end (sorry).

I've done this before when I was trying to understand others, and found out how unnerving it is. It doesn't bother humble people and those who are willing to admit mistakes, but for deeply insecure people - it kills them.

You think I'm too nice or too shy, but just wait. Now I know you're a bullshit machine, I will dissect your words clinically. I will treat you with no emotion, and that is worse than hate. You can continue shouting, blabbering, trying to intimidate, but don't you know half of me is just an act? I can bring out the other half, who can forget that you're human.

Sunday, July 8, 2018

'What are you doing out here so late?'

'Well how about you?'

'I got kicked out of the house.'

'What? This one?' 

'Yeah.'

'Do you have a place to stay?'

'Yeah.'


Exciting stuff happens in normal life too. I'd almost forgotten. But of course it does. I hope it turns out well for you. 

Thursday, July 5, 2018

I didn't want to disappoint you. So much. To the point that I wish I never learned to admire you, that I didn't have to feel this shame.

But it was a good month, wasn't it? I learned a lot under you. Thanks.

I'm sorry

==========

I know that when we're under a lot of pressure we tend to develop tunnel vision. We start focusing on small things and missing the bigger picture. The A&E peeps have protocols and debriefs that target this. They make sure the guy calling the shots stands at the foot of the bed, and his job is not to do the primary or secondary survey, but to stand there, take in all the info, and make the right decision.

I think learning to take a step back is an acquired skill, but I think naturally when I concentrate I tend to shut out everything else, and focus on what I'm doing. I don't see you standing there. It takes me a great amount of effort to hear you, and I have to stretch that bubble, and I can't work as fast.

I hate it when you talk under the pretense of doing work, when actually you're just talking...under the pretense of doing work. You didn't do jackshit, did you? I hate people like you. Even if you want to slack off, then just shut up can't you? If you don't want to do anything, then the least you could do is not bother me.

Well, I did ignore you almost throughout. Next time I'll voice out that I can't concentrate, and ignore you 100%


And you shouldn't ask people to do things if you're not sure. You shouldn't delegate things when you don't know how it should be done.

Don't you just like telling people to do things?

=======

I miss rayray.


Tomorrow I have a date with a husky! My mom's friend has a bbq and he has a husky. Coincidentally I have leave tmr too (but still no weekend...why...no weekend...WHY...) so I'll go to see that dawg!


Monday, July 2, 2018

And what's more (there's always more, if I become famous all these blog posts are going to be like the longest book in history, weirdly written)

What's more, guess what, I don't even know what to say but they tell me you get numb eventually. So people die. Yes. I have seen...yes. What else have I seen? I've seen people beg. They have dementia, and people with dementia really don't do well in hospitals (they do better at home, in familiar environments) and they beg to let us go home, but the situation is usually either 1. Their family doesn't want them back or 2. We really need to keep them for a few days at least to monitor after the surgery.

So they beg. And some of them calm down if you talk to them, but some of them get more agitated because we're all strangers after all.

What else have I seen? I've seen people demand things, people get angry, people be stubborn, people shout and curse and ask for more drugs, people act just a little bit clinically crazy.

All of us are developing eye bags on our eye bags, and we're just 1-2 months in. This can be a really lonely place to work, but there are good times as well.

I don't know. What have I seen? I've seen people use and abuse power. I've seen people so tired they really don't care any more. I've seen people who can't manage themselves take it out on others.

I've seen kind people. I've seen so many kind people. And I think that we're all we have to keep our faith in humanity going. Us and the random people outside, who don't know how bad and ugly it can get.

It's ok. It's ok. It's all going to be ok. I'm ok. I can do this.
I understand. I really do.

But the last defeat - the final loss - is when you give up.

And I know it's hard. I know about the yawning emptiness and silent desperation. I know about the endless white of the ceiling, the cold hard floor, the time trickling by until night comes, which is where nightmares and restless sleep lie. I know about that.

I know about uncontrollable sobs, all alone, the sounds you cannot hold back even if you tried. When your fingers turn cold and the world starts to spin, and you feel wretched but there are still things to do. There are still things to do and you must still be strong and you are thinking this even when you are crying your guts out.

I know what it feels like to hate everything and everyone, to be so upset and afraid and angry that you want to hurt something, hurt someone. I know what it feels like to hate yourself.

You think life has treated you unfairly and that you deserve better. You think you're the victim of a long line of unfairness.

But guess what? This isn't special. Everyone has their own bleeding scars and thousand ton weights to lug around. I kind of think the weights are optional - that we can eventually learn to drop them, learn that we too are allowed to live lightly. I think the scars...I don't know about those, really. But I know that I am not alone, and you are not alone, and we are not the main characters of a tragedy.

Is life long or short? Is it hard or easy? I..

So, since a while ago, I have given up being 'good'. I know I'm not good. I know where some (not all) of my cracks are, and I have to learn to work with them in the interim while I learn how to fill them up.

I'm not 'good'. But that's ok.

I'm just myself. And I'm ok.