Thursday, October 19, 2017

I don't feel like writing anything with those two lumpy posts sitting down there. So let's do some housecleaning.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I don't think I was put in this world to make my parents sad. But it seems like I can't be who I am without being a constant disappointment.

I don't do the things I do out of spite. I'm not trying to defy you, I'm just trying to be authentic. I've always asked myself: "Who am I? Where am I going? What do I want?" I've made a lot of mistakes, trying to believe that what I want is what the people I love want of me, but it's not the case.

I've said it before and I'll say it the last time: I'm sorry I can't be who you wanted me to be.

I wish you had a better imagination, that could accept different variations of 'a good daughter'. I'm sorry, too, that you can't.

I wish I could bring myself to slowly talk things through and make things right, but I never had much courage, and now I don't have much love left.

I am not your counsellor. I am not your doll and not your puppet. I am not an object. I'm good at bending myself to appease others and for the sake of harmony, up till a point where I lose sight of who I am.

So what I guess I can do in small steps (since most of the time 'we are the cause of our sufferings'):
- learn to say no. Start saying no.
- look for a place.
- stand on my own two feet.

Monday, October 16, 2017

My baby cousins and their parents, the last time they came to our house, apparently took my DA kit. I say took, I mean stole. It was this thing filled with toys and books for me to conduct a developmental assessment during my paediatrics posting, and I need it tomorrow. I thought I would be able to find it today since I hadn't been searching seriously and thought I would search every corner today, but I just found out they stole my fucking kit! Now I have to go to NUS tomorrow morning on a work day to buy it. Fuck them.

My dad had the cheek to tell me that if it was important, I should have kept it in my room. Dad, that's the stupidest argument. But I guess I'll have to start living as though everything not in my room is anyone's property now, don't I? And all the important things that you don't keep in your room? Should be liable to the same treatment, shouldn't it? You tell me my imported aunt stole my stuff and then turn around and tell me it was my fault for leaving it out? Since when was it okay for people to take my things without asking me? IT IS NOT OKAY. There is nothing okay about stealing and then TELLING ME IT'S MY FAULT THAT I LEFT IT OUT. WHAT THE FUCK.

I'm so done. I don't care any longer. I actually don't care. I already knew I didn't give two shits about our distant relations, but right now and maybe forever after, I don't care about family any more. I've had enough for so long.

I know there's a place nearby that's renting a room.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Another Raccoon Story

The raccoon scampered up the tree onto the branch, chasing the purple butterfly, determined to touch it with his nose. His paw slipped on a patch of moss and he twisted in the air, trying to catch hold of the branch. Tiny claws sliced the air, missing the branch by millimetres and he fell.

The tiny black and white ball of fluff whuffed as it landed in the arms of a boy. The raccoon's eyes were squinted shut, its tail shivering. A few seconds passed and neither made a move.

"Hey," the boy said, "You okay?"

Still shivering, the raccoon opened its eyes and glanced quickly side to side. Nose twitching, it leapt up, first at the boy's shirt, and then the other direction, landing nimbly on the leaves.

"Not going to thank me?" The boy called out as the raccoon dashed into the bushes, tail bobbing wildly. The leaves of the undergrowth trembled. A pair of gleaming black eyes peeked out from the shadows. The boy laughed. "Don't chase flitterbugs up trees next time."

Sara Bareilles - little black dress

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

I wish I could say that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, but I wonder if it isn't just wearing me down?

Though to be fair I can bear a lot more now than I could two years ago. I can do a little bit more now.

The proof is in the pudding, but I swear there are knives in this batter.

Monday, October 9, 2017

The compromise I came to a few years ago was to accept that yes, my happiness is dependent on others to an extent. Things like giving dogs belly rubs and having chocolate ice cream make me happy, but having friends who I can confide in, and who confide in me, bring another sort of happiness. 

It sounds really obvious once I write it down, but a few years ago I firmly believed that I could be happy, alone. I knew what the world thought of kids who lived in their own worlds, but I wanted to isolate myself regardless. I understood that there were experiences I couldn't have by myself, but I thought staying away from the menagerie would leave me better off overall. I wouldn't have the helpless laughter and sense of connection, but I'd also be freed from backstabbing, mockery and self-absorbed idiocy.

It took me awhile to realise that I was a mocking and self-absorbed idiot myself. I made excuses because I didn't want to be hurt, but all I had was loneliness and a pretty annoying personality. 

To strangers I'm generally reserved and too protective of my precious little inner sanctum to put myself out there, but at least I've learnt to smile and engage people who interest me (ha ha). Also, once I realised what an idiot I was, I became much more free with admitting the fact. Yes, I was a bumbling fool who once did____. I probably will do something dumb again in the future. Samuel Beckett once said, 
"Ever tried.
Ever failed.
No matter.
Try again. 
Fail again. 
Fail better." 

I'm just glad I agreed to make a compromise between saving myself from hurt, and opening up to interaction with others. The world is a richer place when it's shared, and I might be super-sensitive, but the sticks and stones haven't killed me yet. I guess there are hundreds and thousands like me who are learning and trying, so I have no excuse! 
It took me a long time to come to this point. People who try my patience and seem to take pleasure in hurting others make me unhappy, but I don't want to let these jokers make me shut myself up, or worse−turn me into people like them. My best rebellion against meanness currently is just to keep smiling.

G-Dragon  missing you ft Suhyun