Sunday, May 27, 2018

Life teaches you what lit class doesn't. Life tears you apart and throws the scraps to the winds; one fine day it decides to put you back together, meld you back with searing heat and ignore the screams. Life shakes you and breaks you, molds you into a roughly well-shaped dough, lets you rise, then lets you bake.

This is what it means to be alive, and I'm like 'thank you God' and 'why' at the same time.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

List of Happy

- Mochi! Specifically, mitarashi dango and strawberry daifuku!!!! Specifically because I had them today hehehehe

Like this
And this!
- Good smells

Rose smells
Some incense are really nice: there's forest-scented, rose-scented and vanilla scented incense!

- You knew this was coming

Hey mom!

- Having people to care for, and also people who care for me. That's like...thanks (to who?) Just thank you. 

- Good songs. 

- Tea! 

- Looking good. Good hair and good skin days. 


- Really soft pyjamas hohoho. Like slides on skin so smooth. 

Ok I feel saturated with happy now. Gonna charge up my happy every moment I can :)

Well now. Come to think of it, a lot has changed over the years (I did the DISC test to compare with years ago and wow), but looking at this list, there are some things which don't change so much I guess. 

Thursday, May 24, 2018

The thing about words is, there are times I really want them to reach another person, and I'm not sure if they do...if they can.


I just want a dog. I think they can smell love, or is it my "OHMYGODYOU'RESOCUTE' and 10000 head pats?

Andy Grammer - fresh eyes

Saturday, May 19, 2018

If released, will it go like fireworks - a brilliant splash in the sky, embers sizzling in descent before melting into the night?

Or will it be more like a block of iron, smashing into the concrete?

Or will it be just a breath of air. Immeasurable.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

In the past month a lot of people have commented that I have 'good pain tolerance'. After saying that, they feel free to dish out a little more.

But tolerance doesn't equate to minimal sensation, you know. My pain receptors are working just fine, and I'm good at crying silently, and oww...

When I know the pain is necessary - like molding my broken hand into a cast - then I know they just gotta do what they gotta do. I won't make it harder. Plus I know what it's like to be on the other end (like drawing blood): it's not easy doing stuff that hurts a patient, even knowing it's in their best interests.

So I endure. And I guess, my philosophy is that life is filled with suffering, and we can only endure.

But that's not quite true. There are things we can do to mitigate suffering. And call me an idiot, but I never, ever, ever considered that before.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

"But I have to..." 

"Why do you have to?"

I stare blankly. "I must! If not--"

"Why do you have to?"

This is where I feel a sensation of my heart crumbling and falling into the deep. I don't have to. I was not forced - am not being forced - I chose this.

It's a very terrible, also very freeing thought.


I wonder why love is so painful? Is it me, or is it my understanding of 'love'? Or is it that the world can be so terribly, heartrendingly ugly, and people who live in this world stand partially in its shadow?

Or is it just me, after all? Maybe not everyone flinches at the grime in the corners. Maybe things would be different if I was different.

What am I even saying?