Which was a bit of a lie, because I have been somewhere in between for you, for a long time. 

People have asked me if I regret signing on. I said no, because being in the army gave me time to read and learn about things like investment, art, and effective altruism. I couldn't have done that while in a hospital posting.

More recently, someone asked me about regrets in life. I said I regretted going to Iceland, but really I said that because the truth was harder to explain. 

Regrets are strange things. I used to regret signing on, but after entering the army and having a shit time, while also finding pockets of space to pursue my interests, I understood it was a mix of good and bad. The fact that I did not want to stay, did not erase the things I learned. 

I used to regret the breakup, and I still tell people I do. But I also understand that the person I was then needed someone right beside her. While she was going crazy with panic and change everywhere, didn't have the skills to cope with it and didn't have the support to navigate everything. So I understand why I did what I did, even if the consequences were painful and somewhat damaging. 

I understand that at each point of time, I am always trying to make the best possible choices I can. And I know how difficult some of those choices were. I know how bad things were, sometimes. And in the middle of darkness, head between my hands between my knees, I said, this is what I need to survive right now / what I need to hold onto self-respect / what I need to do for my parents. I was often scared, and it took all my courage. How could I hate myself for those choices? 

And here's the difficult truth: I do not regret going to Iceland. Did what happen destroy me inside? Yes, it did. And yes, I still break down at odd moments, alone in my room.

But regret implies that I know, with an all-seeing eye, godlike, what would have happened if I had just done things differently. If I had done A, then B would have followed, and then C, and D... a long line would follow, developing into a life that had no equally soul crushing events. 

...But I don't, and can't, know this. I don't know what would have happened. Maybe it would have been better, maybe worse. I will never know. 

Regret still plays a role in my life. When I make choices, one of the things I ask myself is how much will I regret it? And more recently, I ask - how much will I regret not doing it? But once I have made a choice, knowing it is the best possible choice I could make at this moment, as who I am now... then I will stand in solidarity with myself. I can learn from bad decisions, but I cannot stoop so low as to bash myself for them in hindsight. I've done things I'm not proud of, but I have also tried to do my best when times weren't easy.