Christmas songs playing everywhere, it's that time of the year. 

It hurts. I didn't expect it to hurt. But once I thought about it, I guess I know why. 

As we grow older, we get better at not thinking about certain things. Pushing some things away. Pretending they don't exist, even though they're our own thoughts, the murmurs of our soul. 

I knew this happened when I was young enough to believe I would never do it. Because no matter how painful, they were my thoughts, my feelings, my guilt, my shame, my salvation - all mine. 

I am older now.