I seldom forget that life ends before we know it and time slips away, unstoppable. 

This has not stopped me from living my life in quite a wasteful way. I don't really optimize every second. I am rewatching the big bang theory for the 50th time or so; I spend time wondering about people I used to know. I scroll; I shop online. 

After I lost faith in the big moments - graduating, travelling alone for the first time, travelling alone overseas for the first time, etc the first times - I tried to have faith in the little things. It was the little things that got me here. The small choices - can I live in a dorm for 3 months, please? Can I send this email? Can I join this club? Can I write this story? Can I try to cook this dish? Can I sit and do nothing but love this song? 

I never liked taking photos, but recently I've started to be one of those people. Photos remind me of things I'd otherwise forget. My brain can be like a sieve. Photos remind me of happiness in the moment, and all those moments come together to make the best parts of a life. 

there was only one thing i was curious about. "what am i?" "why am i here?" i didn't exist before 1991, and i won't exist in 50 years, but i feel like i existed before that and will still exist after that. the feeling that i'll exist forever. i've been frustrated by that feeling, and i've never, in my heart, ever, felt settled. i feel uneasy in bed, i feel uneasy around people. "why can't i laugh happily like other people?" "why am i sad all the time?" "why am i always nervous?" "why is everything so boring?" it feels like people are all scarecrows. they don't really know what they are. they're just acting as if they do. in a way, people who say they live healthily and happily may be the people who decided to put all these questions behind them. people who decided to lie and say, "this is just how life is." i'll never do that. i don't care about where i'll go after i die. i want to see heaven while i'm alive.

My Liberation Notes