I told my boss I have insomnia and he said that unless I get it properly diagnosed, I still have to come to work on time.

But this post isn't about that. Because I don't have insomnia. I have regrets and fears that keep me awake at night. 

And most times if I'm with JS I don't feel them. So I can sleep. Instantaneously, because I'm always so tired (my fault). 

But when I'm alone, they're just there. Like the nightmare I had years ago about a man in a black cloak wearing a black top hat, just standing beside my bed watching me. They're there telling me that I don't deserve rest, I don't deserve peace, I don't deserve anything and maybe I should be dead. 

I don't know what to do about them so I try to drown them out with other things. 

But actually, tonight I was watching Sex and The City, and Carrie tried to get back together with Aidan, because she still loves him. And I got up and looked at our old messages. Scrolled through them as much as I could take. And I think that I forgot a lot about what actually happened and how I actually felt then. I didn't remember a lot of things. I only remembered through some poignant haze. 

It's good to look back and remember. Maybe I was missing the good things and just forgetting the bad.