Tidying up my room and ...

So when I was speaking to the counsellor, at one point he cut in and asked me, "What is this? What is the emotion you're feeling right now?" And I was stunned.

So as I cleared up the black holes in my room, I encountered all the little notes that I've kept over the years. If I had to ask myself what exact emotion I feel when I read them - and not brush away that pang as a vague discomfort - then what I feel is regret. There were people I cared about, and who cared about me - who were aware of the things I did on my own, quietly. There were people who saw the good in me and were kind enough to let me know. I guess I regret very much that...what? That life pulls us apart? That I never made the effort to keep in touch? That, while I was there with them, I was too constrained by self-doubt and anxiety to make a deeper bond... that I wasn't courageous enough to put myself out there and try to get to know them better?

To be fair, I did try. But I was so scared of everything - of how people saw me, whether they liked me or not... well, shucks. If I just forgot about all that.

I wonder if fear is a choice, too?

If it is, then I will choose to be unafraid. Or is that the wrong word...should I say courage? I will choose to be more courageous.