Tuesday, August 2, 2016

I was talking to an ex-gang member who told me about her rebellious past briefly. She told me that "it's painful for the kid and for the parents both." I thought, "you're right."

I can be a pretty rude, snappish, and spoilt kid. If someone eats my pudding, I get mad. If my dad smokes in the house, I fume. I stomp around and throw windows open, and my dad goes to a different part of the house to smoke. He apologizes. I feel like crap.

Recently my parents are facing their own middle age worries. They have health issues. I worry about them. And I know I can do things to help. So now I try to sit at the table during meals. I try to talk more about my life, and have a greater interest in theirs. I try to be a better daughter.

Sometimes I get really irritated when my dad is in is God mode, when he orders us to do things we're already doing, when he talks to me in long paragraphs and tails off in side stories... I get upset when my mom asks me if I'm okay when I'm just thinking, when she barges in my room when I'm studying, when she wakes me up when I'm sleeping.

But also recently I'm starting to understand that they're old. And they're only growing older.

I blame myself for not being better to them. But I have flares of irritation that are still hard to control, or temper with understanding.

Thing is I don't want to hate myself one day. I don't want to hate myself now. I want to treasure what I have.

Well, talk is cheap...
and I don't know why there are tears in my eyes.

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