Whenever the going gets tough, I have had the benefit of digging deep and telling myself, you have experienced worse and therefore you will survive this like you have survived all else. Sometimes I don't even have to bring up a concrete example; I just reach within and sense the writhing pain and understand intuitively how small whatever stands before me is in comparison. 

Mostly it's unarguable because in totality, it's quite an amount. Individually, less so. If I try to list specific examples, it would be things like

- HO year. Of course HO year, because I believed then and still believe now that my life expectancy has been chopped short because of it. I still remember my registrar's look of triumph when after the screaming and throwing of items and jutting her face inches from mine and insinuating I was a retard, finally, I cried. 

- And of course the people dying

- My first year in the army and the despair of shame 

- Ashes in a white jar

- Trauma and trying to sit in a car without hyperventilating but then still crying and asking the driver to please slow down

- Doing calls or overnight shifts. I just can't, it's physical and mental pain. Sleep matters.

And most things fade in significance when placed against this backdrop. But how long do I have to tell myself that 'this is nothing compared to that'? I wish I could rest a little bit. I have gained things on this strange and rocky road, but I have also lost some things and sometimes I feel the weight of things earned and simultaneously, the ache of those lost.