I sometimes wonder where I learned to endure. Is the term resilience? What encapsulates gritted teeth and moving when your spirit has extinguished and not running when your heart has shrivelled? Is the term courage? Or some combination of these? 

Chatgpt says some people are born with more resilience, but resilience is also learned. 

So where did I learn to step beyond? Not get frozen in place when I'm humiliated or angry or upset? I guess it must be because I have experienced this enough times to learn to cope. 

Why have I experienced this enough times? Maybe it's because I hate loud noises and find talking to people for an hour exhausting, but since young I've had to step into the terror soup called school. Is it because I had critical parents who never failed to point out too dumb / too fat/ too inadequate / not smiley enough - but doesn't everyone? Was it the army? 

Or was it because I lived hundreds of lives through books, and learned from my flawed heroes? 

Everything that I have read and experienced and learned has brought me to here. Where I won't be quiet when someone tries to humiliate me, where I won't suffer in silence. Where I work through influenza and dengue and diarrhea and tiredness is a grey haze that I must push through. 

But where do I go from here? Do you know where I want to go? I want to go to a grave that doesn't exist and pay my respects, and tell you I miss you. I want to go to a place beside the sea, and fall asleep in the sun to the sound of waves. I want to be with friends. 

I don't want to keep having to be strong, over and over again. I don't want to have to tamp down the anxiety always, push through the exhaustion, endure the distress, in order to do what must be done.... over and over again. 

What is life without challenges? But then - haven't I had enough?