after you died, there was this sense of emptiness 

that I couldn't bear, it was looming over me silently, constant as a shadow.

It didn't come in spurts like grief. It just stayed. 

Everywhere. 

All the time.

And I have not been able to sleep with the lights off for years. Can't sleep without background sound. I haven't been able to be alone with myself.

I looked for people to fill the emptiness. And for a while they did. 

But here's the thing

You shouldn't be with someone because the alternative scares you. You should be with someone because you love them. 

And just like I have faced other things in my life, I can learn - I will to learn - how to face this tall shadow, its silent breathing. 

I have faced so many of my fears. I will face this.