"Is what you're doing right now helping or hurting you?" 

"Yes." 

December is a strange month. It feels like cold air, the kind that chills your lungs as you breathe; the inside of a hotel room in Japan, and all the decembers after that, remembering. 

It often sends me on the same train of thought - the melancholy makes me wonder about the meaning of suffering; that makes me think about whether life is about creating meaning from suffering, or if there is more than that, something that has managed to lift away from suffering, something that can call itself pure joy. 

And that makes me think about what I should do with my life, and what one human can do, and whether what I can do is the same as what I should do. 

And that makes me tired. 

I remember I'm supposed to count my blessings; and that all of our time on earth is short. 

I still believe, on my better days when I have time to think of such things, that we are all connected. 

I still don't have the answer to 'what is the point of it all?'. But I do know that it's important to be kind and to give back. Because maybe that is the point, the only point, and I just don't know it fully yet. 

I still believe that happiness exists inside of us. It's not a place travel can bring me to - after all, we bring our mindsets with us when we travel. We can't escape ourselves. But if we have the courage to sit and look deeply and face what we must face, there is, somewhere within, something close to heaven. 

The challenge I face - do we all? - is how to keep my beliefs in the face of the struggles and cruelty of the world. 

How to remain hopeful while preparing for the worst. How to remain openhearted, to love and cherish, while not letting my heart be trampled by everything that happens, everyday. 

But it's possible. It has to be, because the alternative to loving is probably something equivalent to not living and I don't want that for myself. 

it's strange how much of the past we carry with us. Do these things keep accumulating, till they crowd out the present? 

Or do people let go, throw the old stuff away? Do they forget? Is it better to? And if we forget, what does that make us, now, then? What are we without our past? 

how can we be who we really are, while carrying the overwhelming weight of everything we have lived, while looking at the now, the present, and seeing it for what it really is?

and how can we be who we are, without all of this?

i see fire - ed sheeran

what happens to one of us affects all of us

at the end of something, we might think it's a stark change like stepping from black into white; like stepping out of a cold shower and into a hot tub. But it's often not like that, is it? Life goes on. Nothing dramatic changes, we continue. 

And so it was when I stepped out of green, it didn't feel like entering a different universe. Life goes on; I still have to eat and sleep and breathe. I still care for the people I cared for and still struggle with - well, not the same - similar things. 

N told me that I will likely keep discovering things I learned from my experience, for many more years. That's fine. I learned to speak to a room. I learned to look people in the eye and to be strong. I learned there are many ways to get something done; I learned part of being a leader is letting your people make mistakes and helping them grow from it. I learned that people who take accountability, stand for what they believe in and what is right, are so, so rare, and to appreciate them. I learned that women should stand up for each other and support each other - what happens to one of us affects all of us. 

It is fine if I keep discovering more about what I learned. I will use it all to help me build what's next. 

audrey hepburn - maisie peters

this kind of peace is precious and I want to luxuriate in every minute every second of it. 

man overboard - ed patrick 

I hold onto memories of you because I'm worried I will forget. All that is left of you in this world are the memories of you. 

The words you've written. The glove you wore. Pictures of you. 

But most of all, the memories. I feel like it's a duty to hold onto them, and even if it's painful I hold tighter because if I stop thinking and remembering I feel like you will truly be gone forever. 

I had some time off a few weeks back. I sat on a tall hill with a view of the endless sea and sky all around. The wind buffeted everything. I was thinking about this. Because no matter how hard I hold on, the truth is you are gone. 

I know I know this. "Dead". I know this word. 

Remembering you won't change the fact that you are - gone. 

I can let go, I think. Even after letting go, I doubt I will forget. But I can let the flavour of sadness change. I think it is time to try.