You are asking me questions I don't have the answer to. Is it possible to say that I regret something - dating an asshole, signing on, doing stupid things - while at the same time acknowledging these things don't haunt me? Am I using the wrong word? What do you call a regret that doesn't trail in your shadow, breathe over you in your sleep? 

I made the best possible choices I could in those situations. I needed the scholarship, the comfort, the attention. I did not know better then. 

What has it felt like for me, this 10 years? 

I mean, what am I supposed to say? the crippling panic and anxiety that tightened my circle of living smaller and smaller? my hands shaking in the hospital? the verbal abuse? the humiliations I faced in the army? looking around me and not understanding other people very well, wondering - still sometimes still wondering - whether there is something wrong with me? the loneliness? crying in the office at 10pm and blowing my nose in my favourite sweater while WK sits there, unable to tell me things will be ok, but able to share the comfort of a friendly presence? calling my not quite friend in the navy begging him to find nasopharyngeal swabs in thailand? crying in the back of the speeding taxi squeezing my hands over my eyes trying to tell myself I will not die I won't die I don't want to die? 

What am I supposed to say? My feet were placed on a path and I made the best possible choices I could, which is to stay on the path as much as possible. 

yes there were good times. I experienced pride in my abilities and professionalism, sometimes. I saved people. I could be bloody good at what I do. I could keep calm in a crisis. I could direct people when necessary. I could make an auditorium burst into laughter. I could motivate people without pandering to them, because I understand people are not idiots, and more, I believed that when called upon for a greater good, sometimes, people rise to the occasion. I stayed the course. I helped people. 

I'm not looking for pity. I had that wiped out of me a long time ago. The decade was not easy, but it was not all bad. 

How was it for me? Honestly, quite painful. I am in quite probably the calmest part of the decade, right now. I am looking for a kind space, without chaos or cruelty. 

I have always felt out of place and not quite right. I am looking for a space where I can feel ok, and belong.