Which brings me to CNY, when my 35 year old divorced cousin with two kids was being paggro towards me. Twisting my words and making me uncomfortable when she was one of the hosts.

We're not close. But we've previously always managed to have a pleasant conversation.

That was also the day her mother, my aunt, stopped and looked at me for a second too long. For the first time, my illustrious aunt who has more illustrious parents scrambling for her to teach their kids the arts, said, "You're beautiful. You've grown even more beautiful." 

And so while I was a little bewildered that my cousin would bother being mean to me, someone she sees once a year or less, I understand. 

I understand how people who are unhappy can hate when others are doing well. I know how people who have little joy in their lives can wish for other people's happiness to crumble and turn to misery. I know jealousy. 

Would it be better if the world was filled with sad people? Would it be better if I acknowledged everyone has a lot going on, just that they don't show it? 

I think, as cliche as it is, I can only work on myself. And so I go for my goals single mindedly. As I'm so good at doing. 

I know I need to take a look at the goals. I know I'm tired despite my attempts at self care. I know how gray and asthmatic my heart feels. 

I've just been thinking about my previous dream, and somehow, thinking about my divorced cousin who gets to see only one of her kids, only once a year. Thinking about her lashing out. Did it feel good? 

Thinking about myself and my asthmatic heart. 

Thinking about people who I sometimes feel jealousy for. 

I don't know. I guess I'm tired.