I'm just sitting here being sad. I don't want to impress people, I don't want to be the best in my batch. It's just that I have a job and I want to do it properly.

I guess here I am being sad, looking at the limits of my abilities and wondering if I can ever be good enough.

I don't know if it's enough to try my best. At least I know that being sorry for myself never helped, and so, after this, maybe I can look at how to be better next time.

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Interestingly, on a slightly unrelated note, I know people like to play games. I do too, sometimes.

Ultimately if I don't want to play, I take a step back and ask myself, can I survive losing this game? Can I survive not playing it? Can I survive the parting shots?

The answer is always yes. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt. I guess what I'm saying is that pain doesn't necessarily have to affect thought and action.

This confuses some, offends them even. They assume I don't care, that it didn't matter to me. That's not right. It mattered and it hurts, sometimes more than I can admit. But like I said, pain is just pain. Making a decision, for me, depends on other things...not all logic, not all my heart. Maybe a mix of the two, but definitely, definitely, as much as I can manage it, not pain.