My mom saw my face today when I got home, and asked me if I was alright.

I still don't think that all my emotions show on my face...I think if I actively try to seem unaffected, I can be. Very. But when I'm unguarded, I don't know how I look or seem.

I don't know how to explain this mix of feelings, or the sensation that my hands are stained and will never wash clean. I don't know how to explain this guilt.

My friend said, we're not gods. We're just humans trying our best, that's all.

But I don't know. It's so odd but no matter how I try to smile, my face doesn't feel right. I'm not sure what expression this is, but it feels old, and tired, and very sad.