I remember when I was a child, young enough that I don't remember much other than half-formed thoughts and baseless opinions, I wanted to be 'good'. I'm not sure which book or person gave me the impression that a good child never lies, but I believed earnestly and followed the rule.

So I said exactly what I thought, believing that keeping things to myself was akin to a lie. Even though I knew (a little) that there were things you shouldn't say, because they would embarrass people or because they'd get me a good caning.

I'm not sure how long this went on for, but one day I was caned pretty badly, and then I stopped. I kind of gave in to the fact that it was too hard to be a good kid, and I would just have to be a bad one. Couldn't keep up with the constant embarrassed laughter and odd canings that caught me off guard.

So. Dear small me. Yes, there are things that are better left unsaid. I guarantee it.

And I still feel the urge to say them - some of them - even now, not because I still think it would gain me approval, but because it's bursting out of me, leaking from my skin, thoughts that I want validated...mean thoughts, unfair thoughts, but even if they aren't 'truth', they're not quite lies. They're me being completely honest, and I can't be that without being mean, unfair, sometimes even brutal. And I'm not sure, but I don't think it's possible to be alive without understanding these things thoroughly.

Now I'm a lot better at holding these thoughts in, even if they're teetering on the tip of my tongue. I understand there are words that have zero positive value, even if I see them as unfortunate truths.

But is it possible, I wonder, to become a person who doesn't see the world that way at all? Is it possible to be like a sunflower in the sunshine - that's Michelle - or...just...to see some sunshine? (My hairdresser would say, laughing yoga.)

A better person once told me, well how about you wake up everyday and just try. Tell yourself that you will try. And try. And try. Even if you fail, to understand that you are giving it your best to be a better version of yourself every day, and just keep trying.

Sometimes I think that those are the words of a fool. And then sometimes, more times than not I hope, I can understand how the bowed and broken, climbing shakily to their knees, then standing on both feet, taking another step forward, and then the next - I can see the beauty in that.



On a side note, normally when I'm at a loss for what to do - when thoughts swirl helplessly in my mind, I go somewhere quiet and take a few deep breaths, and ask myself - what would the dalai lama do? What would M do? What would x do? And then usually I have some inkling of the best path I could take based on what I know.

Today I was in the extremely unsettling position of sitting with my mind whirling and running through my list of good people, and not knowing what the ruddy hell I should do. I just sat there like a rock and didn't know what to do. And that was really...scary.