Wednesday, March 14, 2018

My parents used to tell me 'don't get upset, it won't solve things' when I was a kid. And, being a kid, I would think Yeah it may not solve anything, but can't I feel what I feel? I'm upset!!!

And so maybe it was the triumph of parenthood when, one day, **** asked me, "Why don't you seem to feel anything? Why am I the only one who---?" 

And I said, "But if everyone is agitated, then things are really screwed, right? If at least one person is ok, there's still a chance." And secretly, I can get upset on my own later. At home. Next week. 

Even now when I feel sad or despondent, as if the world is about to end, I still hear their voices in my head telling me, Don't dwell on it. Find the solution. Move on. 

And sometimes, too, I hear my own voice answering, But I feel terrible. Can't I feel what I feel? 

I guess there's no right answer. Even if I become expert at holding in my feelings, eventually they have to be addressed. We live surrounded by, aided by, and increasingly guided by machines, but...we're not machines. There is a lot to be said for worship of technology; there is a lot to be gained from being logical algorithms. But I am who I am, and feelings matter to me a lot (my own especially LOL).

So yes. I'm upset. I'm so upset I haven't hit the bottom of the upset barrel yet, but I suppose I can't stay here for long. I suppose I must hold my head above water, and maybe even learn to enjoy this dratted sea, until the end. 

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