The compromise I came to a few years ago was to accept that yes, my happiness is dependent on others to an extent. Things like giving dogs belly rubs and having chocolate ice cream make me happy, but having friends who I can confide in, and who confide in me, bring another sort of happiness.
It sounds really obvious once I write it down, but a few years ago I firmly believed that I could be happy, alone. I knew what the world thought of kids who lived in their own worlds, but I wanted to isolate myself regardless. I understood that there were experiences I couldn't have by myself, but I thought staying away from the menagerie would leave me better off overall. I wouldn't have the helpless laughter and sense of connection, but I'd also be freed from backstabbing, mockery and self-absorbed idiocy.
It took me awhile to realise that I was a mocking and self-absorbed idiot myself. I made excuses because I didn't want to be hurt, but all I had was loneliness and a pretty annoying personality.
To strangers I'm generally reserved and too protective of my precious little inner sanctum to put myself out there, but at least I've learnt to smile and engage people who interest me (ha ha). Also, once I realised what an idiot I was, I became much more free with admitting the fact. Yes, I was a bumbling fool who once did____. I probably will do something dumb again in the future. Samuel Beckett once said,
"Ever tried.
Ever failed.
No matter.
Try again.
Fail again.
Fail better."
I'm just glad I agreed to make a compromise between saving myself from hurt, and opening up to interaction with others. The world is a richer place when it's shared, and I might be super-sensitive, but the sticks and stones haven't killed me yet. I guess there are hundreds and thousands like me who are learning and trying, so I have no excuse!
It took me a long time to come to this point. People who try my patience and seem to take pleasure in hurting others make me unhappy, but I don't want to let these jokers make me shut myself up, or worse−turn me into people like them. My best rebellion against meanness currently is just to keep smiling.
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