Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I don't think I was put in this world to make my parents sad. But it seems like I can't be who I am without being a constant disappointment.

I don't do the things I do out of spite. I'm not trying to defy you, I'm just trying to be authentic. I've always asked myself: "Who am I? Where am I going? What do I want?" I've made a lot of mistakes, trying to believe that what I want is what the people I love want of me, but it's not the case.

I've said it before and I'll say it the last time: I'm sorry I can't be who you wanted me to be.

I wish you had a better imagination, that could accept different variations of 'a good daughter'. I'm sorry, too, that you can't.

I wish I could bring myself to slowly talk things through and make things right, but I never had much courage, and now I don't have much love left.

I am not your counsellor. I am not your doll and not your puppet. I am not an object. I'm good at bending myself to appease others and for the sake of harmony, up till a point where I lose sight of who I am.

So what I guess I can do in small steps (since most of the time 'we are the cause of our sufferings'):
- learn to say no. Start saying no.
- look for a place.
- stand on my own two feet.

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