Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Once a month I question the meaning of life, get irritated at the drop of a hat, and feel pretty despondent. At least I think it's once a month.

I remember when my grandfather was dying and my mom was speeding to the hospital. Someone honked us and she rolled down the window and screamed, "My father is dying!!"

I thought, just because something terrible is happening in our lives doesn't make it okay for us to do whatever we want and be unnecessarily confrontational/rude. Because there is always something happening in everyone's life.

But it also doesn't change the fact that we do it anyway. 'I've had a terrible day, so I can snap at my family when I come home.' Or, 'I've just been fired from work, so I can snarl at the cashier.' 'My exams are coming, so I can get mad when I don't get the things I want—aren't I supposed to be in top condition for the paper?'

We do it all the time. When my mom was speeding and shouting at strangers I was seriously scared and I thought,

terrible things are happening but it doesn't make it alright for you to act this way.

are someone's last moments really more important than the fifty years you spent with him?

I know I can be cold and uncaring. I'm not proud of it but it's how I deal with things.

I guess it's true that we all need to cut each other a bit of slack. Because shit happens and we all deal with it in pretty dysfunctional ways.

But maybe, since we have some years ahead of us, maybe we can learn to deal with it differently. A bit at a time. Because sometimes I look at my parents and I really, fervently wish that I will not end up like that. That I won't have those reactions and immaturity. That I won't stand at the end of fifty years and act as if I've only been around for three.

Well thank god for music.

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