Tuesday, May 2, 2017

everybody's cute

You know, a lot of things 'can't be helped'. People die. Rain happens. It can't be helped.

The world spins and why do some people settle at the bottom, and others at the top? Why do some people walk in and cry, others walk in and lie, and still others not walk in at all?

I wasn't giving you advice. I was pleading with you to prove me right, to show that my picture of humanity and its capabilities wasn't wrong after all. I was hoping you could show that humans are capable of strength and courage just as they are capable of terror and cowardice. I was selfish; I wanted you to be an inspiration. But sitting there and hearing your story—not blocking it out—and even giving you advice was a big step for me. So I won't be too harsh on either of us. Let us fail once in a while. But let us succeed even once.

I'm also starting to understand what my dad meant. Someone says something that doesn't make sense, and I ask "But what do you mean?" And then the person gets mad, because he meant nothing, he said it because he didn't know the answer—but then he should have said so. No? Why do people say meaningless things when they don't know the answer? I wasn't trying to embarrass you, I was trying to understand more of the world. But what I'm starting to understand isn't something I wanted to learn at all.

Finally, I'm not sure why but there seems to be some sort of plastic cover between me and the world lately. People speak to me and I don't register it until a while later. I'm stuck in my own world, it seems, which isn't always such a bad thing I think. Mostly, I just want to be left alone. Medicine demands a lot. And within my capabilities, I usually decide to give. My capabilities are, admittedly, not that great anyway. But sometimes I just want to be somewhere else. So if I ignore you (I'm sorry I ignored you) it's not on purpose (really), I was just spacing out in my own land somewhere.

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