Tuesday, January 3, 2017

As a continuation of the previous post:

There is a innate knowledge that I can be better. This doesn't translate to better grades, or skills, or wealth of information. It's something that I've never been able to describe—in fact, 'better' may not be the right word. There is someplace I can reach, if I have the luck and grit.

I guess everyone knows this to some degree. Recently I've been thinking more often about how my understanding of this place has changed over time, and yet I've made no move towards it—why? I agonize, I simmer, but I never really make a move.

Yes, we're all afraid of the unknown. But I know that it will be hard. I know it because I can guess where the path begins and where it cuts through and it will be tough. I don't want to start. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to have this knowledge, and yet I can't remain here because I get frustrated, so often, so easily, at the reminders big and small of how little I have moved. Although I know that I have grown, it's so infinitesimal that it's shameful. It's like someone who can cook good food deciding to microwave a frozen dinner.

Of course, what if that's all just my assumption? What if I set out on a path, go through hardships, and at the end of it discover that it was nothing special? That I'm nothing much? Worse, that I'm a loser? It's easy to say cliches such as 'you never know until you try' and 'the journey matters more than the end result', but the 'end result' is my life. It's my worth.

Recently it's been hard to take. I can't stay, I can't move on. In fiction there's usually a mass-appeal motivational phrase, a triggering event, some emotional catalyst. In real life, I agonize for a long time. I feel like I'm being torn apart.

This isn't a session for feeling sorry for myself. In some strange way this is my diary. I want to be able to look back and reflect, I want to be able to type and reflect, and to be more honest I suppose I want to force an imprint of my life as it is now in some part of the world, especially since I feel so insubstantial now. I want to write myself into action, which really never works. I generally succeed in catharsis, and then inaction. That's not really okay anymore.

I think the easiest way to start is to take ownership of my actions. I can be selfish: "I'm allowed to do this, but you can't" (oh yeah). I can be nasty: "you promised! I won't talk to you anymore, hmph." I can be racist (sigh). I tend to cringe inwardly and think, "how could I do that? Why did I do that? I won't do that again."

That's not wrong, I think. But I should probably acknowledge that it did come from a part of me. So something more like: I did that, and it wasn't pretty. There's a part of me that believes in it, which is why I can act that way. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist, but once I understand it better, I'll have a better handle on it.

Small steps, isn't it?

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