Wednesday, October 19, 2016

1. Looking into someone's eyes can actually be really hard after a while. It's not possible to see how a person feels without feeling anything in turn, at least if you have a modicum of empathy. Or more like, sometimes I'm scared I'll see something I really don't want to know. In a sense, this makes it really relaxing to be around people who are the emotional equivalent of a clam.

2. I tend to have near zero feelings during history taking, which makes it pretty hard to say things I would ordinary say, like 'oh that must have been hard' and things of that ilk.

3. I have learned to get angry and smile. But today I got angry and made snide remarks (not to a patient), so there you go.

4. This is a darn tough posting. A lot of my thoughts and opinions are quite immature—even I can tell!—and makes it hard to do things like smile appropriately (I smile inappropriately), empathize, understand etc. I end up vacillating between close-mouthed gloominess and hyperactive chattering (when I'm not with a patient) because all my normalcy is spent in those 15 mins trying to gather a history without freaking out or losing my temper. (But mainly freaking out).

Alright, all my normalcy is spent just staying normal. Like a car on a steep slope running at full throttle just to stay on that spot. I guess it's nerve-fraying.

5. It's still fun. (+)

6. But I don't think the pay is good. (-)

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