Well, I was all in a spasm of happiness because things went so well. Ok — not exactly, it wasn't a plateau of great great great!, but more a high punctuated by oh shits.
I spend a lot of time asking why, like a little child who wants to know the answer to everything. And it's not a bad thing, exactly. But I think some part of growing up is understanding that not everything has an answer.
There are some things that, to me, will be always wrong. There are some things that I will not do. But what if I was told that this person has this history: an abusive parent, years of trying and failing, being backstabbed by his best friend, the death of a loved one, a diagnosis of cancer, and all of that coalescing in his actions one day? It doesn't make things like murder okay, but it makes a lot of things okay.
This is something I previously understood at some level, unarticulated. The system didn't change; I guess I did. Like a switch going off one day, quite suddenly. So now I'll have to remind myself again... that people have decades of history, and there are not always answers to my questions.
What else went off with that switch? I don't know if I'm asking 'what died?' — I don't think so. No, I'm remembering, and I don't think so. Only that we can't — I can't — stay kids forever, yes?
KOKIA - hontou no oto