Thursday, March 10, 2016

he chooses restraint

There are times I get so angry I scare myself. I remember once in secondary school someone said something and I felt angry - I literally felt a burn through me, through my arms, and I froze like ice because - what was that? What's going on?

Most of the time I just go for a run because I'm so worked up I can't sit still.

My parents used to tell me: why get angry? why let other people manipulate your emotions? why waste energy being angry?

As you can imagine, that really irritated me. Try telling someone who's mad, 'why are you wasting your energy? Why are you getting angry?'

But I guess from a different perspective (or phraseology): when something bad happens, it's happened. Getting angry just adds a second badness to it. Thinking of it that way, anger is almost a self-harm. It doesn't help me make the situation better or gain any ground, it just makes life suck. That's all it does. And so... I am trying really hard... not to get angry. Not even a little.

Basically when I think 'this guy is just a showoff, so annoying', I catch myself and think 'he wants praise, he can't help it. And besides, what does his showing off have to do with you?'

Or if I think 'why can't she encourage us poor medical students instead of stepping on our egos and scolding us and being so strict and glaring at us?'

Instead I try to remind myself, 'life must not be easy, and this is just how she is. Maybe she has trouble at home with her family, or here at work. etc'

I am NOT trying to be a martyr. I am basically selfishly trying to kick out the bothering things in my life, so I can be happier and use less energy.

And for most of today I caught myself a few times getting annoyed - surprisingly many, once I tried - and thought I was doing so well! But in the evening something happened and I got majorly Angry.

This is not easy. But I know it's worth it. I am going to keep at it. I am going to try my best because upsetness only gets in my way. And because...really...I'm sure everyone has a lot of things they're dealing with, things I don't know the least about. I can at least try to be kind.

Now the difference between being compassionate and being a pushover, I suppose, is that the first has a choice, and he chooses restraint, while the second has no choice and just does nothing.

So I have to keep that in mind.



  1. Good read :) Haha I don't think it will ever be possible to completely get rid of anger/whatever emotion irrelevant to the situation at hand, but just catching ourselves in the middle of the act helps a ton with emotionally recalibrating back :)

    1. Y u so wise :) But yeah, you're completely right! Just being aware of it when it happens makes me feel like I'm ... getting better at something somehow xD