Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Rainbows and bloody sunshine

Sometimes I want to slap the world upside down because I think we're so stupid, so dumb, we keep doing the same things wrong, we never think outside of ourselves, we get trapped in our own narrow minds, we can't figure out that being good is not synonymous with being a sucker and getting the short end of the stick; rather, trying to help, to do good and be good isn't just for other people, it's for us as well, and this isn't just some iffy whatchamacallit about karma, it isn't. 

Other times (like today) I feel like the world isn't worth it, my jaw hurts, the antibiotic screwed me up and my lunch has been coming up all freaking day. Okay, but me me me aside,

I know that thinking about things (over and over again) doesn't change anything. Experience tells me that I can't think myself out of a problem, or into a better person. First of all, I can't always translate my thoughts into practical world solutions, and secondly, the world responds in a variety of ways, most of which throw me off balance.

I don't know if other people have this problem. Gauging my parent's advice, I'd say that most people choose not to think about things, either because of the above reasons, or because they've decided there's no point thinking about these things. Why waste time?

Why waste time with other people, people who you don't even care that much about, indeed? Just ignore or push it aside, unless it gets into a big problem affecting work, then come out guns a-swinging and solve the damn thing. Solve it definitively. 

But it's not us against the world. The other person is a living breathing feeling (even if he's also totally scum) human. And I know I haven't met real scum, I've been sheltered all my life, which is why I can be so idealistic and naive and say, but they're people too! Why - can't - we - just - ?

I don't want rainbows and bloody sunshine! Why does it have to be your agenda vs mine, your quirks vs mine, your wants vs mine?

Yeah we're unique individuals, we have our own odd angles and we're bound to collide, especially the more people involved! I get it! But once we've bumped into each other so many times, can't we come to a compromise? No? Why?

I figure some people just can't look outside of themselves. And that makes me want to shake them, shake the whole world and just scream in general, because after that they get all sorts of problems and unhappiness, and I'm like, uh huh, yeah, yeah, well, whatcha doing about it? Why do you think this is happening?

And if I sound like an insufferable snob and know-it-all, be happy cause I mostly can't do the self-examination thing properly, because by god it is so painful and awkward and embarrassing and just a blow to my self-esteem in general. But sometimes it helps.

Most of the time I also just smile and let sleeping dogs lie. I figure I better learn to take care of myself before I stick my nose into bigger affairs, but at the same time I'm afraid that's not how it works.

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