Saturday, March 19, 2016

And slowly let them shut

The funny/stupid thing is that there was once someone who said that to me: "I don't want people to change because of me." And various other things. A few times.

What I thought was, I am perfectly capable of deciding what to change, thank you. And if I see something good, and decide to be a little more like that, that's my decision, and get off your high horse. My change has nothing to do with you — if I saw the trait in someone else, I would have admired it just the same.

And yet I have the gall to say, "I don't ever want someone to change for me," when I talk about my dad and smoking. It's so weird, it's like I'm living life half-blinded, until someone brings it up to me.

So thank you :)


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As for knowing that what we do affects other people whether we like it or not... Well. I still like to believe that when I get as alone as I can, in McRitchie or in my room with the door shut, I am as alone as can be. I'm not affecting humans in any way. And maybe, for those few hours, it's true.

But there are all the other hours in my life. I think I only need to remember how I feel when someone does something thinking it only affects himself, but actually doesn't. What we do does have ripple effects on other people.

I want my ripples to be good ones, but sometimes... (I can't even say I'm trying, because when we say that, most of the time we've only been trying in one direction, doing the same thing over and over, or thinking in black circles — most of the time when we say that we've tried, we haven't done much.) ... A lot of the time I'm the impatient, not-listening, insensitive, selfish me. It's not as if I don't know that.

"I can't help it", "it's beyond my control", "I've tried but nothing works". There are times when this is true, but I know that a lot of the time, it's not. Humans are capable of quite amazing things, as long as they're determined to. And if they are ready, in all the senses of the word. Sometimes we may want something desperately, really want it, but we're not ready.

And when we are, the universe conspires to help us get it. (book quote!)

Does this mean I'm not ready to be a good person? Shucks, I think I'm just not trying hard enough, in the right way :)


Ed Sheeran - afire love

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