Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Shelter - Corrine May

I guess my limit is 3 days. But there are two more to go, which makes me kind of desperate-sad, but I know this can be a good thing if I'm cheerful and happy and all that!

This trip is awesome in many ways, though, and I'm glad I came. I would do it all over again - and the next two days will be just as awesome! Yeah!

Surgeons here are unexpectedly frank about some things. Prof said to me yesterday: 'Now you may think you're the most important thing in the world, or God's gift to the world (he said this to all of us before we left for Myanmar, warning us not to be spoiled brats, so I didn't take it personally) but the reality is that you're nothing. Nothing! You're just one person, and if you died, no one would care or even notice

('Except my parents!' I interrupted)

- except your parents and close relatives. The truth is that we are completely insignificant beings. And it's a sobering thought, you know, really.'

(This is when I wanted to say, Damn I've had that exact thought before! Instead I said, 'so does everyone live with this sobering reality?')

'No, the thing is, once you realise this, it changes the way you act. You make different decisions...'

Here he had to concentrate on a tricky part of the op. Breadboy says he can be full of bullshit sometimes, but he's a nice guy. Thing is I know he can be a joker and waggle his eyebrows at us suddenly and all, but he can be serious too, and that was one of those times. He's cool!

Anyway, I realise I can be quite a snappy emo shit sometimes. Tired, or upset, or oversensitive. Of course this is nothing new ha ha! I so badly need time, a lot of time alone, after a few (three) days of this kind of thing... Gosh, I'm getting frustrated at everyone and myself, haha! What to do... Maybe I'll hang around the hotel lobby for a bit, or would that be too weird. Ugh.

And why is it when I say that I entered medicine to ease pain and suffering, whoever I'm saying it to always laughs? Is it too naive or idealistic? Maybe they think I was making a joke. It's true that I'm conflicted about it - sometimes I feel like we're doing nothing that the body can't do for itself (with a bit of good food, healthy activity and great company). Sometimes I feel like we're only causing unnecessary suffering, and the person would be better off at home...maybe would be better off with a swift death, even though any death would be hard on the family. But the reason I feel conflicted is because even though I feel helpless and useless sometimes, I came here to do some good, and I can see that it does happen.

Long monologue aside (isn't every post a monologue actually?) I wish one day someone would reply "yes, and that's why I joined medicine as well."

Everyone is meeting in room 309 to play cards and (maybe?) drink whisky now. Should I go? Do you think I will go? Heh.

shit! Blackout! I'm alone in my room!!!!!!!

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