The truth is I'm terrified I'll become jaded, that I'll lose my empathy... I'm scared that I'll stop being able to feel their pain.
It is getting so hard sometimes. There are patients who don't want medications, diagnoses, don't want treatments. I'm sure they have their own reasons, but then there are patients who just want to die.
One patient like that wasn't even sick. Smiling, she just said her life was long and wanted it to end, as opposed to pain from her wound healing. From her wound healing. She came to a hospital with a gangrenous toe, it was amputated and bandaged, and she was given painkillers, and she told us she would rather die than live with... the pain. The pain that could be relieved by panadol. She would rather die. It was, for a moment, as if she had spit on everything the doctors and nurses had done for her.
It took me a while to try and shift to her point of view. That she didn't want any more suffering in the form of operations or medications. She was tired of the ailments of old age and wanted an end of it.
And there are patients who come in sick, but for some reason fake other symptoms to make it seem worse than it is (there are ways of telling), and they're not even NSF.
It doesn't mean these people aren't in pain.
It just means... I don't know. Who am I to say that emotional pain is less than physical trauma? Both can kill.
I suppose it's my own ego that's protesting. And perhaps that's because I'm not understanding enough, or patient enough... Dear Buddha, please teach me how to be kind and wise. Or at least, let me not lose what I already have.