Saturday, August 29, 2015

I wonder does anyone know why some tears - the ones that come at the most embarrassing moments - can't be stopped. I used to be whupped (metaphorically...I think) for crying when I was a kid, i.e. do you think that crying will solve anything? Stop looking for pity! 

But I couldn't help it! I can't make them stop when I want to! It's not so much a tap that has been opened as a hole that has been punched through. It's frustrating, embarrassing, and shameful. It's not professional so why did it have to happen in front of my CG and tutor? I tried thinking of happy things, like puppies and mountains and books.

I think this is why it happened: the 36 hours, the A&E, the fact that I had to present when I didn't bother preparing, and then the asshole doctor, and then the feedback session, and then I cried.

It's things like this that make me feel broken.

I should have done my homework, should have prepared. I'm going to be a moody little shit for a few days, which is great, I can be one on the weekend, and by monday this will have blown over.

Thanks for looking for me.

I think that I'm not one of the most screwed up humans around because of a lot of serendipitous events. Imagine if I didn't meet N. There are handfuls of people who've made me a better person, not so much by dispensing wisdom - over-the-counter aphorisms, no matter how steeped in experience, never stick or are worth much I think - but by being who they are, role models or confidantes.

And of course, I'm one of those people (wink wink) who have great potential for goodness and growth. (bleeeargh). I shudder to think of how I would be like if things were different. Maybe I would be like the asshole doctor. (maybe all doctors are assholes to medical students.)

This posting has rubbed me raw, and we're not even halfway there. I don't know how to deal with these people. I don't know how to help the woman who cried and prayed for me. I already knew sick people need comfort as well as medications and tests and diagnoses, and I can hold their hands and listen to them tell me their troubles, and try to ease their fears, for the time being anyway.

But it's not always so easy, right? What about the man who asked every five minutes questions which I had no answers to? What about the daughter who snapped at her father during the consultation? The thrashing twenty three year old buff monster who went wild in the resuscitation station? And the screaming obese woman with piles, dear god.

Patients expect us to allay their fears, to tell them what to do - exactly what to do - to avoid developing that heart defect, or cancer, or whatnot. In general the best thing they can do for themselves is to eat well (unprocessed), exercise (play!) and set aside some calm/mindful time (10 mins) everyday. But no one wants to hear that. It makes everything too iffy and unsure. They want to hear something like: eat this pill everyday and never get cancer. They want to hear yes or, depending, no. 

Life is maybe. Right? I understand where they are coming from, because I have been there. But you can do all the right things and get struck by lightning, or all the wrong things and somehow live to a hundred. People get frustrated (just tell me how!) when we tell them this, or anything resembling this, but in essence what's important to you? Take care of that. Live your life well. Talk to the people you love. Don't leave your dreams for later. You don't want to live to a hundred. You want to live a full and satisfying life, around people you love and who love you, a life that makes you glad to be born. There is no pill for that.

Mino ft Taeyang - fear

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