Friday, July 3, 2015

Have you ever...?

I was sitting and watching people, wondering if I had unknowingly been blasted into an alternate universe; one where you didn't exist except in my mind. Because then everything would make sense.

You smashed in like a blitzkrieg.

* * *

I was talking and smiling and thinking don't get close to me don't get close to me don't get close to me and the same feelings from six years ago were welling up, and I felt physically sick. 

And then I was thinking shut him out shut him out shut out and all the steel doors came slamming down, and just like that. 

Isn't life strange? 

* * *

G and I were wilting under his questions. I was confused, then upset, then angry, then ashamed. When it was all over four hours later and everyone met for lunch we were in tears. 

Half of it was 'cause he was a jerk. 

Half of it was 'cause we felt so damn stupid. 

* * *

We sang a duet on the elevator. We were happy. 

* * *

We slept like corpses in the lounge. We were freezing cold and hungry and dead tired. 

* * *

I was twisting my lips at the moon and giving it the blame for everything that I was feeling. Maybe it's just such a noticeable target. 

I was wondering if I was the only one - surely not - who was searching so hard for the answer to when will this end? Why does the world feel so large and devoid of warmth sometimes? 

I was thinking that there is no such thing as feeling empty. We say that when we don't know how to express the feeling. Search for it. It's not a hole, it's a cancer with tendrils. 

* * *

I laughed till I cried; I was amazed that I'd found someone other than yanrui who could make me do that. 

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