Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Handholds that don't exist

Sometimes I just stand there, on the edge of a sheer cliff, afraid to fall. I look all around me, remembering everything that I fear, and it freezes me in a moment replayed in my life over and over again. I struggle to grasp at hand holds that don't really exist, while looking all around me for the safety that was never truly mine to have. 

...So I took a walk this morning. I wrestled with my fears and my anxiety, and the belief that I still have much to lose. I have nothing, and once I conquer the fear of losing nothing I can regain my composure enough to keep climbing. I will deal with judgements the way I deal with the voices in my life because, after all, they are nothing more than my own voice replayed to me by the walls of the canyons I now survey. Those echoes once drove me, and still do to a certain point, and perhaps now it is time to hear a different tune. 

- Tom Grasso

I'm always uncomfortable talking about abstract things, because I'm only 20, and what do I know about the ways to see and live life? However...this is my blog :D Fallacious or not, I suppose by writing things out I'll have the benefit of being able to look back and laugh.

I guess what bothers me today is that if I had to choose between saving my brother and saving a train-full of people who I'm supposed to guide safely, I would make the decision that I could live with. Both are equally horrific, and I hope I will never be placed in any sort of similar situation. The thought of something like this actually happening makes my blood feel cold and my head swim.

I would save my brother. Because I love him, and love is, at least in this instance, selfish. Maybe duty is selfless, but without love we might as well be machines and machismo. Our facilitator says that there is no right or wrong answer, but in the military, obviously there's a right answer. And it's not mine. So I pray again that this never happens, because I will always save the people I love over the people I don't.

Of course, if there's no trade at stake and it's just let's say a matter of saving injured people, then yeah duty and values fit.

*Update: Manny is washed! Poor thing was hung up to dry by his ears.
I'll find something more exciting than a stuffed toy to update on next time :P

But what could be more exciting than a BEAR? :)))

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