Tuesday, February 3, 2015

adult
ˈadʌlt,əˈdʌlt/

1. A person who has lived a minimum number of life years (legal age varies),
2. mature in their own outlook of life, 
3. who tends to forget that there are more types of people in the world than there are years to know them all;      (i.e., simply put, a hundred years does not guarantee knowing everything...SUCH IS LIFE)
3. and, in forgetting, tends to believe in the, one, right way: the one they live their lives by.



And can you blame them? 
After living for 60 years, of course they want to believe that they have lived their life right. That they have done it well, or have at least strived in the direction of doing well. 

One reason (not the only, or the ultimate, but certainly a pertinent reason) why it is so freaking hard to talk to them about how I feel about certain things, is because I know that it is so alien to them. I don't even know how I can have different opinions from my parents, seeing as I grew up amongst them and am surrounded by their views in all sorts of innocuous ways, but I do. I don't know how some bits of me didn't get brainwashed, and I've been spending years feeling guilty about how I feel, because I shouldn't feel this way, obviously shouldn't, but I do. 

I think what we need to do is understand that there isn't a right way. Or at least, there isn't one right way. It doesn't have to be I'm right, you're wrong, or the other way around. 

If I can come to understand that, I may not have to feel so awful about the way I see things, which even now I feel is wrong. Despite everything I do believe that it is possible to want something badly, but not know what it is; I believe that it is possible to do something I like but not be happy, in fact be very unhappy; it is possible to want something that isn't financially optimal and socially successful...and to want it more than something that is. 

I believe it because no matter how I try to ignore, squash, kill, threaten, beat up the part of me that feels that way, and god knows why it has survived, well, it has survived. I can't do anything about it anymore, because all that beating and squashing and ignoring and hurting is too much for me, I honestly can't keep it up any longer. 

That is not to say that I am irresponsible, because I intend to finish what I have started if it kills me. I won't ask for help that isn't possible, or help that is irresponsible. I never did. I know that it is upsetting (to put it mildly) to hear what we (dage and I) have to say sometimes, but maybe - perhaps - instead of wishing we were more sensible, logical, reasonable, or the way you define those terms - and trying to knife the irrationality out of us, can't you listen instead? 

It is only now that I understand how hard it can be to listen, to put your own ego and fears aside and really listen. Listen to me say I believe there are other kinds of success, that there is something in me that won't let it be - I'm not asking for more, I'm saying there is a need to look for it, whatever it is, and it is in fact something less (the way you rank such things)...but to me it is imperative. You haven't given me freedom. You just haven't noticed it yet, but you've only given me freedom to choose to live my life down your path. 

When you asked me and I answered honestly, I wasn't asking for a bailout. All I wanted was for you to understand; because you are my parents and I wish you understood, I don't really care so much whether most others understand. Instead you try to figure out the root of the problem in me and trying to solution it away, logic it gone: something else you haven't realized: it's part of me, and I try very hard not to see it as a problem... I know you're trying to help, but your efforts are very hard for me. Ok? 

I wish you could listen with love instead of reacting with your old, old fear and anger; 

Because that would have been more helpful than all the logical solutions you could, you did, and you have always come up with. If I'm human, logic should work, is that right? If it doesn't work? 

You support your actions with the unsaid word love, but it is unexamined love, and that can be one of the most destructive things in the world: the ultimate defense and justification. Without self-examination one's love can be the most painful kind of gift. The receiver can't refuse it because it is...your love...but standing there and taking it is agony. 

I tried very hard not to hurt you. 

I just don't think y'all understand that I can really hear what you're saying: not the words, but what you're actually saying behind the words. When I see everything leaking out from you and I realise how you are taking my words, what you are thinking about me, the despite what you are we still love you because you are our child...and then get all self-sacrificial. And then start riding the because we love you we will make you do A, B, C boat. 

I'm sorry that I'm immature, yes, and mean, because I still hurt you. And I know that if I understood more about y'all, mom and dad, I would be kinder because I would understand the pain you went through... I don't expect you to be perfect. I actually think I don't even want your love any more, so maybe some time away would be good for us, right? 


Can I just say that I understand that all of what you did was well-intentioned, that you've been through a lot of pain yourselves and that too has shaped who you are, and that as painful as it is for me to receive your love it can be as hard for you to hear me say something that is truly me. Especially when it comes out garbled since I'm incoherent like that. 

Can I just say that I know you try. 

I know that it will be damn hard and every path has lvl100 boss monsters standing smack in the middle (every path. I'm no fool.). But this is the right thing to do, not because I want to, but because I have to. Damn it, what I want to do is be the kind of person that would be right for the life I'm living now, be the right child for the two of you, fit like a jigsaw into this puzzle.

I have all this to say and more, but I am seriously, honestly wondering if it is the right thing to bring up again. If it is too cruel to want you to understand how my way of thinking might possibly be right as well. (who knows? maybe it's wrong :D)  If I have the energy and courage to talk to y'all again. 

Despite all, I think I learned some things. Not on the night of our Talk, which should be given a name - "The Night of a Thousand Daggers" - but in the time leading up to it, and the people who helped me through it in their own ways. Words, after all, are pretty useless in this kind of 'learning'. So my next step is to move.