Saturday, May 17, 2014

no communication skills

in my defense, I do not put in effort with people I don't want to communicate with. if there is no ethical impetus to overcome that disinclination, then I won't. there are choices, just as there are consequences of that choice.

um. because he dumped you, you became depressed and schizophrenic. was he worth it? was it impossible that he was not?

because he called me stupid, I am afraid of not knowing things I am supposed to know. which, depending on the standards, could be...a lot or a little. how could it be worth it? how could it not be?

because he said, because she said, because they said, when I was a child.

Yes, I may believe that 'suffering is the sole origin of consciousness' (Dostoyevsky) (I know I've spelt it correctly if blogger doesn't show the dotted red lines, because how could they not have his name in their database? anyway--) BUT there can't exist black without white, even if their ratio is comparable to handful of stars at night.

ironically it is this essential existence of happiness in suffering that makes it easy to spot unhappy people. as nietzsche puts it in a quote I can't recall or find, one can recognize an unhappy man by how he reacts to happiness - he knows it will not last!

why the struggle? why the mental endeavor? how could it be worth it? how could it not?

I really resented, at home, people telling me to do--anything; people expecting me to do things, expecting it like it would be natural for me to do so. was it? if it was, then why was it so hard for me to do? if it was not, why should I do it to fulfill these assumption-demands? why was I supposed to do things, because simply I was supposed to? 

on the other hand, I'm selfish - I dislike only on certain fronts as it suits my preferences, and go along when I prefer it that way.

but I have to stop the habit of assuming the worst of everything they say. my brain it comes... and that's not always the case.

no communication skills because speaking up never did me any good (did I give up too soon? what on earth, in asian culture that kind of giving up can never be too soon: the argument was lost the moment it began)

well, it's not entirely true :) if you've noticed it, then yes--exactly. exactement. only people who have been given love can say, 'this has hurt me in this way, so-and-so'. people who have given love and loved say instead 'this does not hurt me' whether or not it is true, whether or not they acknowledge its truth or falsity because, having loved, they must believe that such love does not hurt its recipient. because no-one can help loving.

if we could help it, then there would be no trouble with saying that sometimes, love restricts and hurts, because we would be able to adjust it at will like a volume knob. but since we cannot do that, we must live with what we feel, and the only way to live with an emotion we can't control is to justify it. or numb it. in other words, lie to ourselves.

disclaimer, ok? in 24 hours this may look like balderdash to me. in 24 hours I don't think I will have computer access, and this stays true for the next month or so. So, dollops and dollops of salt is the recommended seasoning with this unpalatable dish.

5 hours 4 hours 4 hours
what is this.

no clarity of thought. I need to pack but I don't want to!!! why so many things to pack lol.
the truth is, I didn't tell my parents about my uh few days of solitary holiday. and...there will be an accounting (I hope not). (Not tomorrow at least, I hope)


jumping into the rabbit hole, how do you feel?

Falling down it, when you realise it's not Alice in Wonderland, then how do you feel?

blasted goodbyes. I don't like them, don't want to say them, I don't want to.
why do I have to be a normal person
pack, my dear girl, pack.