Friday, January 31, 2014

Leeks. leeks. leekkkk

When I'm complimented, I'm happy. When I'm criticized, I'm upset. Here's the thing: I proudly assimilate traits I'm complimented on. And I abhor the characteristics that are criticized.

But such things are objective. Most traits can be either good or bad depending on who makes the judgement. As such isn't it our right, my right, to decide what I like and dislike about myself?

Maybe this is duh for everyone. Probably it is! It's strange how things that can be taken for granted to be true, could only be true for me. Leeks, I never knew the answer, I only thought I did. My solution was always for the wrong answer. And even now that I think I know what x is, maybe I'll fill in the blanks with something completely different in a few years.

I am willing to stand my ground on certain things now. I can, and I will, refuse to accept compliments that I don't believe are right. I mean, I'll do it nicely, of course, because there are good intentions.

As for my faults :( - I'm bad at self-reflection cause my starting premise is usually that I'm right :D well I'm really slow, but I get there in the end!

No one gets left behind in my team. In a real team. No one, ever.

I'm also responsible for no one's life. In fact, that's a ludicrous thing to happen in the world if it ever does (but it does). I refuse to play that. People ought to chart their own paths, and then find support. They oughtn't get someone else to choose that path for them. Ya, I was that close to choosing tennis, baker, writer as a career. And that close to being a poly kid. And..

There are some things I put so much effort in, pushing to some freaky limits, past some limits, and maybe I stepped over the line into :( zone a few times too. they were worth it to me then, and most are worth it to me, now, too. Some things were really tough. Some things I fell so hard I broke a metaphorical nose. It wasn't easy getting here, just as I'm sure everyone has had their own hard times. And I won't go all, 'aaah, anyone can do it as long as they try hard enough'. Anymore.

Yay. finally it's good - pretty necessary - to know who I am, not a bundle of others' opinions but something else. If there really is a true human soul, I guess that's where it begins.

And it's good, for the first time in so, so long... to feel ok with things. To not be terrified.


...but soul mates are hard to find. 

on the very strange and angsty day of my birthday it felt as if The Message was conspiring through all angles to get through to me. And maybe it did. A little bit. It's like being outlined in black ink, or bursting out 3D and coloured from paper. Much gratitude for putting up with my constant metaphors :D

everyone looks so good in no. 2! the pictures bring back very tangible memories. think of heat, smell, dust, wind, laughter, tap of boots on the ground. now, before I get melancholy, I'm glad for you guys, and the great friendships there :)

and I'm also glad I now sleep in my own bed with a giant stuffed bear haha! the bear has saved me from nightmares and sleeplessness ♥  I kid not, it was actually the fluffy golden hero ^^

I'm not a tough nut. could be unbreakable, by virtue of the fact that there's nothing to break. The way tiny glass shards don't shatter, but wine glasses and windowpanes do.

This could be used to imply things along the lines of brokenness and loss of will. It could, but that is not it, not what I mean. It's just that there are people who come in as windowpanes or wineglasses, and people who pop into existence as a mass of tiny pieces (mind I don't say shards) and I guess that's me.

A lot of small pieces that are harder to break. Not by virtue of my durability, though :) Still, I appreciate the thought. And, anyway, it seems that I am getting an outline.

now...  thank you for bouncing back. 

Spring - Joe Hisaishi