Tuesday, December 11, 2012

turning point

everyone's so delighted that it's back, because it also somehow indicates that I, in some way, am back. I know exactly what my dad means. It was never going to return until I wanted it to. I have some measure of acceptance of what its coy entrance indicates, which is probably why it dared set foot back inside the door. hello, nice to meet you, I shake her hand. It feels like we're meeting for the first time, and I have no idea if she'll dash or stay. I don't care very much either way, which makes my parents' enthusiasm that much more uncomfortable. But it's good to have you back again. I actually mean it.

I think doctors don't have enough time to give proper cures: often treatment follows the illness-diagnose-treat symptoms cycle. But I think many illnesses are symptoms in themselves. Treating the affliction is pretty much third degree treatment.

I wonder if this is because I told you. If it returned because I opened up and gently closed the door (thank you, and goodbye). You say you feel liberated; I think I have managed to move on too. And this is actually too much of a coincidence I think :D I'm writing a new chapter and I'm determined to write some pretty cool things. I'm going to paint the pages red. In the sense that there are certain things I enjoy, and they shine brightly for me, so I shall put them inside. 

My grandfather had a heart attack and I've been visiting in and out the past two weeks. There are so many things that we don't say because we're afraid of ridicule, and so much that we can't do when we're old, weak, and - in pain. 

It is also the first time I've seen someone accept death, and paradoxically fight for life. I don't think I'll forget his smile, I don't think I'll forget the tears, and I will never forget the way my mother told me 'he is ready to go'. 

'We should live so that we are always ready to die'. I think I can understand that better now. 

About formality - for things that mean a lot, I wouldn't just throw words irresponsibly around. If I care so much about you/it/they/the thing, I would jolly well think it over and not casually scatter my thoughts to subjectivity. Well, it's not a hard and fast rule. And I'm still learning ^^ 

psst: I've a lot to learn from someone who can dedicate oneself wholly and entirely to something, and yet lives in an open book. An intriguing blend of drive and openness. 

A lot to learn from someone who can be stubborn as a horse and cautious as a mule and thoughtful as a snail with a shell as thick. 

A lot to learn from a tactical specialist - this said wryly - who is more analytical than he ever intends to let on. 

A lot to learn from Alan Greenspan, although I still haven't opened the book.. 

And from tkd. I can manage a class with two ADHD kids and two pick-fights (with younger students) kids and a parental complaint and ...holy moly I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back alright :D now just have to relearn all the patterns I forgot over the past two months. 

There's a general, subtle feeling in the air of something just about to happen - the wind is swirling hints of it round, the clouds are waiting, something is about to begin. (or is it just rain? :D) There's a lot of hope, and already tiny flecks of it are starting to arrive. I absolutely can't wait. 

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