okay this is gonna be weird. which is quite fine, because, after all - 'isn't everything?'
firstly, I've realised something I've known all along, that when you do something matters as much as what you do. really. that's why. I know something is going to happen, it has to happen, so I just make it happen now, sooner, because...yes, the first line. and the world turns upside down, the proper order of everything screws up and it's like, 'why are you doing this? what are you doing? what on earth are. you. doing??'
a thousand years later when everyone forgets and I've thrown it all into the dust it happens. slowly, gently even, but it happens. I don't know what to say. I can't think about it any more.
secondly, the sweeping vertex wasn't when you laughed, or when you got angry and snapped and argued. it's not when you refused to listen or pretended to or even tried to, actually tried to but couldn't. it wasn't any of those times, but rather when I opened my mouth and said the words, and saw the utter non-comprehension (not incomprehension, nothing so futile) in your eyes, even though I attempted so many times and in so many ways. then I realised you would never understand and maybe no one ever would (forgive the polarities, so harsh, so extreme) and maybe, perhaps I would be the only one. that was it, I stopped talking, and I won't again. that's why I write.
and finally, none of this actually happened (maybe) in the same way nothing on the stairway happened. isn't it amazing?
I love you all fiercely. I just can't explain.