Thursday, January 19, 2012

so much going through my mind, but they're old and tired and I'm tired of them too. I just want them out of my head so I can be happy. or take a certain person's advice (:DD) and just act happy because apparently it helps!

oh, actually for a while today I did. and it helped. it didn't help that you were so damn stone though, probably because you slept for 3 hours? HAHA. nevermind I forgive you~ kidding, I don't need you to get high too, just that you normally do! things like how ____'s a paedo and cutting fish and spelling errors, these I can talk about. so thanks for making me laugh. thanks for making my day :)

my day. hmm.

heyyo, I'm really really sorry for being so down in sch :( sorry for making you guys worry. but thanks for asking :) :) :) thank you so much for bearing with me <3333 thank you thank you esp van and c and e even though haha I am being super short on everyone else, and being extremely down and stuff, thanks for being so understanding :) It's not really anyone's fault in particular. it's just...everything. so I'll say this:

(maybe it's hormones hahaha!)

well--
okay, I can't make excuses for how I feel. about x, I mean. (differentiate!) I feel what I feel. and it should be worse if I didn't feel anything at all, because that means I really don't care. eg mr toenail, for whom all I have is slight irritation. going to nothing. at the same time I understand that everything isn't going quite right - but I hate change. I can try, but unless you haven't noticed I'm being kinda blocked.

to tell the truth, even if I wasn't so tired I wouldn't fight. I should, shouldn't I? I love you loads ttm, so until I find my words please bear with it.

it happened again today. I'm going to need a routine, a law, to end this. I can't believe the same rope ladder's suddenly choking me.

and about E, well, hmm. I mentioned her because it really shocked me. and because I could almost relate. like, I was shoving some awful chem grades to the back of my mind until some bodoh came along. haha. nah, it wasn't your fault, actually. I just walked out first so I could keep it in. like, who breaks down because of something like that?

I'm really proud of keeping to my resolution today, heh :) didn't say a word even though __. yes I know keeping it in's no good. but some things you just don't say.

omg haha digression much! well, I won't let myself blame anyone about my mood.

you know what, I can't even bring myself to be disappointed in ___. because that would mean I had expectations, right? am I really that stupid? hopefully not. 

truth is, I did. uh huh. now what?

now I breathe deep and continue.

because this too shall pass :)

and if you're in my subconscious, somehow part of it - even though I've already convinced myself to drop it and leave it. then, well, I made a decision. rest assured I'll stick to it. for these absurd things, I always do.

and yes, I have had my own self-chastisement. you'll see. but making my whole life miserable? no, dear, no. change should always be for the better.

anyway after school lots of thingies happened so I ended up returning to school late, like at 3. went track running with solomon and joshua, though joshua actually only sat there and cheered us on LOLLL.

and through jumping up steps and some question mark GP review on europe and sprinting and watching people jump like frogs I think it was very enjoyable :D

haha!

well, seeing as I'm this low already, I shall spend my night looking forward to the inevitable up. it has to come. you had better come, because moods this bad are only good for the thrill of going higher.

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