there is a kind of resignation, a kind of despair, a kind of guilt when you spoke. please, don't. please don't put yourself down that way, behind a mask that says you are strong, please don't say words that strike at the heart of your insecurities. please don't be sad..
yesterday was a strange day
anyway dinnertime was interesting, when I finally got home I was damn tired. then my dad came over and moderated between me and the pig and we became friends!!! before he came we were both super scared of each other haha I didn't dare pet her and she didn't let people touch her.
okay, I should stop calling her pig haha. vi-o-let. violet's super cute omg!! when I gave her lettuce today she put her front paws on the food bowl and sniffed at me for more LOLOL greedy piggg <333
I don't trust you.
But then, so what? sometimes I don't even trust myself. that's laughable, because there are people I do trust. People I would stand up for even when all the evidence says otherwise. People I have stood up for even when I had nothing to back my words up except my own belief in them, and when I lay down at home wondering if I truly was a fool, I just closed my eyes and went to sleep because I - trust - them. It wasn't easily earned.
But I don't trust you. so don't come to me looking for..what?
I will sincerely try to get to know the rest better. cannot let my 'I don't like these types of people' stab me in the foot because, really, who am I to judge what kind of people they are. yessss, I'm feeling very claustrophobic right now. can you please throw away your expectations because I feel like they're the strings and I'm the doll.
no excuses, darling.
(btw, what happened to all my capital letters? o.O)
seems like violet likes it when people talk to her so I spent half an hour telling her about training. when I got to the part - which I'm not going to say here - she looked at me and scampered away and I humoured myself by thinking, maybe she's saying something along the lines of if you feel that way then just don't get too close to ---
and thanks, because I think I'll do just that. wary of your strange motives.
isn't synchronized swimming just the most amazing thing?
and I read in the BBC or something magazine my mom gave me, about instances where a small group of people have to live in a confined area for months, or even years at a time. A month is the most, max. anything after that (for me) and I think...it would start getting scary.
I was telling him about stuff and was getting all frustrated, like, 'how do you think people even put up with these kinds of people? like how do they even stand someone so---ugh!!!'
after a while when I finally stopped he asked me, "well, how do you think your friends put up with you?"
then after a long, echoing silence, he said, "and all those times before. when you saw me at my worst. how did you put up with me?"
oh. I see.
to enlightenment!! (LOL)