Monday, August 15, 2011

down || "Hummingbird Heartbeat" - Katy Perry

My mom just passed me my phone and said, "I just found this in the fridge."

Oh my gosh HAHAHA

Luckily she was like, "I'm sure there's a good explanation for this" and walked away leaving my dignity intact. Truth is, there's no good explanation. There isn't even a bad one hahaha!

And after PE today I dropped my tahan badge in the toilet bowl. I was pinning it on and it somehow dropped off.

I was actually thinking of picking it up...then it slid all the way down. So I flushed it away omgggg

I don't know what's wrong today. Don't know what's wrong with today, but oh well.

I can count the number of times I've prayed on my fingers. Sometimes it's been for really dumb things that don't seem like much now, but really mattered at the time. Like the time I was 9 I think, and I broke the car's mirror.

Then there were other times when I prayed because I really, really wished for something, something to happen, or something not to happen.

I always feel like a hypocrite because I don't believe. It's just awful, I'm pretty angry at myself when I pray, because it's like, I don't believe in you, I don't go to church, and I tell people I'm a freethinker. But I'm really hoping that you love us, all of us, or are at least willing to help this time. I know you've got no reason to help me. I, also, have no right to ask you for help.

But please.

That's what it's usually like. Right now I've come to terms enough that, I believe that there is a god. But I don't know who he is, or what religion he would like us to accept.

If I could bring myself to pray tonight, I'd pray for so many things.

I'd want the waterman to get well soon.

I'd pray that you'd come, and that everyone'd accept.

I'd pray that my friends wouldn't have to deal with trouble from petty people, that they could have a more trouble-free life. I'd pray that they overcome the troubles they're facing now, because I...because they're my friends, and I really selfishly want it because I don't want them to be sad.

I'd pray that they find what they're looking for, even though it's hard to see sometimes.

I'd pray that my teammates grow, mature, live and find true happiness.

That we'd be great friends always.

I'd pray for, yes, 3-chan. For my brother, my parents, my baby cousin. For each of them, and each of my close friends, and my teammates, I've got specific deds but it's darn embarrassing.

I'd pray for us.

I'd pray for my feelings, because on the deepest level I can only deal with what I feel, not control them.

For strength and happiness. There have been some seriously shitty parts of my life that I'm not proud of. I'll pray to cross my boundaries, with a snap and not a pull and release.

But I won't pray. Or at least, I'm not posting a prayer here, that's just dumb. And shallow. If I did pray I'd be much more incoherent. And emotional. And embarrassed.

I'll give my blessings and help, and I hope that, if I pray, when I pray, He will too. The rest is up to us :)

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