Thursday, April 15, 2010

my first post :O

amazing, this is my first post! I think there's something about a first post that's pretty mystical...ephemeral...you know.

haha, but then I guess I'm committing some kind of sacriledge. mystical? haha!

so much went on today, but there's one thing that really stands out the most. have you ever gotten it?

I mean, for ages I've heard how emo all teens are. After all we're cutting ourselves and going goth and (especially girls) crying on an almost regular basis. Although I've got to say the last one might not be true. Since I've seen my friends cry at most only once, except for the few here and there who've got a tap where their eyes should be.

I didn't really get it. Cause I've had my fair share of downs, yeah, but I've never really gotten the whole crazy-emo thing. Today was really an eye opener for me.

right at the start of the day I got a freaking bad scolding by my form and coform teachers.

"what's wrong with you?"

"I assume your parents have been teaching you about conduct we expect?"

"our patience with you is up to here-" her hands rose in a chopping motion to her neck "-already"

"...is there some problem at home?"

shit. I agree. and can't help but understand when they said they didnt have to do what they were doing. the thought already crossed my mind before they told me. they needn't have cared at all about my chronic forgetfullness. my goddamn failures. my everything, because when they attacked the only thing they spared was "well, you're a cute girl, but..."

I don't know why, but the thing that broke me was

"your parents aren't going to be here forever, you know." I was pretty cool, nodding, agreeing, not shuffling at all, until that line.

I guess it's cause my dad's a smoker. and I have no idea what to do about it. don't know how to talk to him about it. and I know that every moment he inhales that fucking cigarette he kills another hour of his life.

my mom's got some weird thing in her. it's not cancer, I think. and definitely not my new kid sibling. I don't know. that's the problem, they're not telling me anything, and how do I ask? I don't dare to ask.

yeah...I cried like a wuss. I went to the toilet, then to the deserted staircase, and just stared at the ceiling. my ft's didnt tell me anything I didn't know, they just hammered it home.

then my lit teacher, later, asked me the same thing?

what's wrong with me?

I don't know! I don't know!

I've been crying pretty much the whole day. just thankfully out of sight, so my friends don't see. I always thought it'd be great to have someone to hug you when you're crying - and it is - but at some point I'd need time to myself. it's cool that my friends understand.

do you get what I'm feeling? when you're in that state when somehow all their words seem to hit home and you can't stop crying. when you're in a wreck, can't get the pieces of yourself together.

it should be scary, but it's not. it should be exhausting, and it is, but not that much. it's just this shitty feeling inside you, in the centre of your chest, almost an ache, writhing...

why am I crying? I kept asking myself that. I wasn't sad, not really. not angry, not at all. I just felt like shit, so scared...ah....

I was scared.

I'm not going to let them say those things about me. ever again. I'll work so hard they'll have to eat their words, so they'll never get the chance to insult my parents again. I'll work so hard

that I might be able to look myself properly in the mirror again.

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